Rampant Life

Paging Dr. Freud

2011-10-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight we played Words With Friends while Hubba Hubba was at basketball practice:

Me: Bliss

Hubba Hubba: Grave

I text him: "Really? I play a sweet word & you respond with 'grave'? It's your move...be nice".

Hubba Hubba: Over

Damn...it's a good thing I don't have any serious insecurities.

Love Songs

2011-10-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a playlist...to celebrate our upcoming 15th anniversary.

Something to commemorate that "We fucking made it!" when no one figured we would. :-)

Sophie B. Hawkin's "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover" to showcase my desperation when Hubba Hubba wasn't so sure about the whole endeavor.

Heart's "Crazy on You" has to be in there to celebrate my 48 hours in the Nuthouse.

Huey Lewis & the News: "Happy to be Stuck with You" will probably be the final song on the album.

Now, I just have to find another 12 songs to highlight the "for better or worse."

Back in the saddle...

2011-10-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

Is that an appropriate statement when I haven't posted to my blog in almost 2 years. or 3..some random number that means it's been ages since I put something out there. Anywho....I still love facebook for the connection I have with friends but I miss the journal style of writing I have with my dear old blog. Methinks it's time to try again.

Sooo...Sweet Center is 14 (!) and is totally kicking ass at basketball. Sir Toots is 9 (!) has started the national religion of Texas, tackle football. It's fun to watch Sweet Center's team kick ass and Sir Toot's team try to figure out what the hell they are supposed to be doing out there when they actually have the ball. When the other team has the ball, it's pretty evident to them that they are supposed to chase the one runner down & watch them score a touchdown...but when we have the ball, they aren't real sure of the logistics of how to score. Fun times.

Hubba Hubba is still loving his dream job. He came home tonight & crashed...not sure if that was from the long hours for a new launch...or the pictures on facebook that showed the happy hour that occurred while the rest of America was still working. Either way, he got a nap in & so I'm in for a long night because he'll be up reading for several hours. ;-)

I'm cruising with my gig and the current plan is start classes for my master's in the Spring. I know I've talked about this *forever* but it's really & truly time to buckle down and get this dang thing started and finished. I'm training for a full marathon in December with a running group that I started. It's a phenomenal group of ladies and we call ourselves The Running Betty's...yes, it's totally cheesy, but it's loads of fun! I'm pretty sure that I'm going to make every person that I've ever met in my life come out and watch my cross the finish line. I did 5 half-marathons last year and it just seemed like a good time to mark the "Marathon" off my bucket list. I've promised Hubba Hubba that I'll only do this one & then get back into the half distance. The training is way more manageable. Plus, it also means that I can do the sprint distance triathlons. I just have to convince him to buy me a super quality bike so I don't feel all juvenile out with the big boys. No seriously, I did one on my current bike...the awesome one with a bell....and it was hilarious how towards mile 10 (out of 18) that I just gave up the need for speed & settled for dinging my bell when I got passed. It was a delight for the one passing me...not so fun for my ego.

Oh, Sweet Center is grounded because he failed Health. Yes, the smart boy managed to pass (with A's & B's) his AP classes but he couldn't manage to turn in his homework for Health...so no XBox, PS3, or whatever gaming system they have hiding up in their media room. We let him keep his laptop & then he lost that this past week because he still couldn't manage to turn in his homework. He's promised that he is doing his homework and will the grades up pronto. Fortunately our district has an online system that allows me to track his progress and so far he seems to get it. We'll see how a retake on a math test goes this week. I promised that he could have the laptop back if he scores well enough on the retake and brings that grade up before next weekend. Fingers crossed for the poor boy. I think he's read every book that we own in the last 3 weeks.

Okay, I think that's it for a summary. and enough journaling for me for the day. Until next time.

Addicted

2009-05-27T17:37:00.001-07:00

I developed a love for someone else. Someone that gave me instant gratification and easy, quick sneak peeks on a whim. Facebook lured me and promised me sweet kisses and casual updates. But, I miss the writing of the daily stuff. I miss laying out there for family & strangers to read. Hmmm....that says something about me, I believe.

First clear one thing and then get ready for another...

2008-12-02T06:16:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, a report was written (by an actual doctor) that included my name and the words "brain scan", and "normal." So, clearly the headaches aren't caused by a growth or some weirdo tear. Now, I get to be a guinea pig on medicine and try to find one that works to stop the headaches before they start. For now, I'm taking a pill with each meal. That's 3 times a day. And is difficult for me, because I don't eat 3 times a day. I mostly graze and eat throughout the day...but I can't do that anymore.

So, positive changes are coming, I guess. Hubba Hubba really wants me to chill out with all my activities and find something that I can let go of to save my sanity. I guess he doesn't approve of me trying to be Wonder Woman. I elected to start with Committee Chair of our cub scout pack. Someone else gets to receive the rude emails and go to all the meetings. PHEW! That one wasn't really hard to let give up; except for Sir Toot's disappointment. But, we explained that I liked being nice and fun and it was time to do something so that I could stay that way. I can still volunteer, but I'm not in charge of the Pack anymore.

On another note....I got a phone call yesterday from Sir Toot's teacher. They want to test him for learning disabilities. The esteemed school district does not feel that he is where he should be for reading and writing skills. In other words, his 1st grade brain is not testing at a 3rd grade level. They are very big on testing around here. This is Texas, where King George rolled out the intro program that eventually turned into No Child Left Behind on a national level. Scores matter around here big time.

I have a call in to the teacher and the school counselor to discuss and we'll see what they say. Hubba Hubba and I agree that we should go ahead with the testing and see what they find. We certainly don't want to be the reason he's not enjoying "Arthur Goes to Washington" with the other kiddos as they sit in a circle and hum sweet little songs.

Only You

2008-11-26T10:10:00.000-08:00

"Only you..."
That's what Hubba Hubba said to me yesterday after we left the neurologists office.

So, there's a couple of possible causes for my headaches at this point. But, the one that the doc really picked up on and is agressively pursuing is an interior tear in the arteries in my neck. From a frickin' bad massage. Seriously.

We went to this gorgeous B&B for my birthday and started out the weekend with a couples massage. Unfortunately I got the man who went all gung-ho in rubbing down my tissues and turning them into chopped meat. I politely asked him to stop pushing my shoulder blades through my body and into the table about halfway through the massage. Headaches started that weekend and have been present ever since. As Hubba Hubba said yesterday, "Only you would get a brain injury from a massage."

Evidently there's literature that details this phenomenon and I'm not the first person to get a bad massage from Attila the Hun. Who knew?

The fear is that the interior tear could stretch and lead to my artery opening up...which could lead to a blood clot...and then bang, I'm dead once it hits my brain. Sounds serious to me. I really like living.

So, I had an MRI and we'll get results shortly. I have a follow up visit on Monday and we'll know more then. Until then, I get to eat turkey, cuddle with My Boys, and basically lounge about. Hubba Hubba is all attentive and loving me up every chance he gets.

I don't want to have brain surgery....but, I'll take the loving!

Not tonight dear, I have a headache

2008-11-25T04:19:00.000-08:00

I do have a headache. I've had one for about 2 months. Continously for 2 months. It's quite annoying and has all but driven me mad with frustration. I take tylenol when I feeling it coming on for the day, but most days I wake up with it and then it's too late to stop the irritating hum behind my left ear for the day. Nothing seems to completely take away the pain. By the end of the day, my eyes are so tired they feel like calling a strike and shutting down until they get a better vacation package and paid benefits.

My poor boys have had to suffer under my mood swings and random forgetfulness along with me. Today I go to a neurologist. Who, I'm hoping, will look into my eyes and tell me there's no swelling in my head and that I need to lay off the diet coke. If not, then I'm sure there's all sorts of testing and random torture I can endure to find a cause.

Hubba Hubba is going with me to the doctor. He's just as sick of these headaches as I am and would really like to know that there's nothing seriously wrong with me.(Physically, I mean- he's gotten used to my mental issues over the years.)

I worry about the slightest physical thing. Sweet Center has a cough and I've driven him so crazy with the water and cough drops that he went to spend the night my sister so that he could get away from me. So, you can imagine all the diseases and issues I've imagined are wrong with my noggin. Hopefully, we'll know today what's going on.

Here's to good answers and positive solutions. If you are a praying person, please give me a shout out today. And if you aren't a praying person, please think good thoughts. I'll let you know what I find out.

3 days

2008-11-18T23:36:00.001-08:00

Every year, the fifth- graders at Sweet Center's school go spend 3 days at PineCove. It's this great camp out in East Texas where I spent a memorable week the summer before I started fifth grade. It is true camping with counselors, cabins, rowing, and dirt.

Sweet Center leaves tomorrow. Neither one of us can sleep! He's so excited, you can feel the energy coming off his body in waves. I can't sleep because I finally noticed on the list of items to bring that they included a list of items NOT TO BRING. And cell phones were on it.

Seriously? They expect me to go 3 days without talking to Sweet Center? Hubba Hubba has tried to point out that technically it's only 1 day, since I'll see him tomorrow morning before he leaves and then on Friday when we pick him up.

But, what he doesn't understand is that I need that time before he goes to bed to wrap up our day. The bestest funnest part of the day is when I get them from after-school care. But my ultimate and most favorites part is when it's just me and one of My Boys laying in their bed talking about their day or just randomly talking about stuff. Granted, it usually veers toward a discussion of Pokemon cards or every little boys favorite topic, farting, but it's still our time.

So, it may just be Thursday that I don't get to hear Sweet Center's voice and the sound of him desperately trying to avoid blowing his nose by snorting to high-heaven, I will miss our bedtime chats.

Eh, who am I kidding? It's not like he'd talk to me on his cell phone anyway. Not around his buddies. And that's the part I'm struggling with, the growing up part.

It's all Good

2008-11-17T20:30:00.000-08:00

If you know me, then you know that I ask a lot of questions...and talk a lot. I do. and I know this about myself. I have spent the last several years asking questions and talking about my religious upbringing. Being raised Southern Baptist can leave a bad taste in your mouth, if you ever make it to the other side. I remember when Hubba Hubba and I were dating and talked about religion. He told me that I didn't have to believe what I was taught growing up and that it was okay to ask questions. That sounded scandalous to me! I wasn't allowed to ask questions...just Believe! and if I had doubts, for goodness sakes, I was supposed to pray harder and keep them to myself.

Eventually I decided that I had too many questions that didn't have answers and I let my spiritual side go into hibernation. Well, it's back and boy has it been thinking!

I've researched Buddhism, Judaism (with a little Kabbalah thrown in for fun) and other religions. None seem to fit where I was or what I was looking for in my spiritual life. I've started to meditate and taken bits and pieces with me from every religion I've studied, but none seem to really "speak to me" in a way that I thought was relevant to my life and the lessons I want to pass on to My Boys.

Then I picked up a book "Finding a Church for You" and read all sorts of history on Christian religions in the US. It was a great book and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

It led me to Catholicism. Yes, Catholicism, of all things! Who would have thought I would find answers from the church that seems so out of date that they don't let their priest marry and forces them to wear funny clothes? Well, I have found some serious answers and best of all, I have found a parish that is open and inviting to people of all walks of life. Father Henry was ordained in the 70's and as he told me last week, "We just figure it's all good and as long as we talk about the love of God, then we can work the rest of it out as we go along." I like that idea.

So, I've started taking classes to join the Catholic Church. I still have questions, but now I have answers too. Answers that I haven't found anywhere else. I know the Church has issues; hell, they have a lot of issues! But I enjoy the symbolism and I enjoy Mass on Sunday mornings. I enjoy hearing that basically we are an okay bunch of people that need to work through the grace of God on helping those around us who aren't so lucky.

Mostly, I've enjoyed learning about myself and my relationship with Christ. At the end of it all, for me, that's what it's about. Finding peace and enjoying this new love I have for my relationship with The Trinity. The mystery that we are so loved and how to share that love with others through the things we can (and must) do for others to make their lives easier.

I get queasy when the Catholic Church goes all crazy over abortion and doesn't focus on helping those who are here now, but I know that my parish does do those things and welcomes everyone.

This past Sunday I was Welcomed into the Church at a ceremony. My sponsor is a great lady from Argentina whom I adore. When we were walking back to our pews after the ceremony, she leaned over and whispered "Welcome Home" and it felt just perfect to me.

Ground Control to Major Joe the Biden...

2008-11-03T17:35:00.000-08:00

We have a decision to make. I made mine several months ago and cast a ballot with it last weekend (tiny shivers, remember?)

Anyway, this lovely picture sums it up for me. I don't want pretty packaging and an empty shell. And yes, I'm aware that Obama's not running against Palin. But, he is running against the man who chose Palin. The woman didn't even make it through the election without being found guilty of an ethics violation! That's decision making I can't believe in.

On the other hand, we have this man:

The man who fought for equality and authored the 'Violence Against Women Act' and heads the Foreigh Relations Committee. Jeez, the man still makes it home on the Amtrak everynight to sleep next his lovely wife, Jill. Now, that's a decision I stand behind and cheer for.

No more hypocrisy.

I can't wait to tell my grandchildren I was a part of this election and why I made the choice I did for our times; for their future.

KNOW HOPE.

VOTE

2008-10-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

Sweet Center was talking about the election today. Evidently his school is having their own version of "Vote 2008". Unfortunately they aren't talking about the issues; the teachers are just telling the kids to vote the way their parents are voting. Nice way to teach about our democracy, huh?

I asked him who he was going to vote for and he told me he was going to cast his ballot for Obama/Biden. (Good Boy!...hhmmm; throat clearing.... back to the story...) I asked him why and he told me that he figured if Hubba Hubba and I voted for him, then he should too. But, he did say that a friend told him he couldn't vote for Obama. Why, you ask? Well, I was curious too...

Are you ready for the answer??

Seriously, are you ready??

Because: Obama is a terrorist!

I'm not kidding. A friend told him that Obama was an actual terrorist. I was furious for a fraction of a second and then remembered that we live in Texas. This is par for the Limbaugh course around here.

It turned out to be a nice moment where I was able to discuss the issues and why Hubba Hubba and I support Obama/Biden. You know, the actual facts and issues. Not some fear mongering crap spewed through the Fox News Channel from a Palin rally.

We took The Boys with us this past weekend when we cast our ballots. I have to tell you that I did get a shiver down my leg when I selected OBAMA/BIDEN on the touch screen.

History in the making. Even if the state is going McCain. This was an election where I voted FOR the team that I wanted to win....not just AGAINST the team I didn't want to win.

Future generations need us to step up to the plate and vote for the policies that will enable us, as a united country, to fix the mistakes of the last 8 years. Record debt, a war we shouldn't be funding or fighting in Iraq, a war on terror that needs to be won where the (real) terrorist actually live so that we really are safer, better tax structures for families that are just trying to make ends meet so that they can provide a better future for their children, and healthcare for all of America's children.

I know I sound like an infomercial. But, like I told Sweet Center, I've worked with children that don't have health coverage. I've seen their families struggle and the parents cry when healthcare is delayed. I've talked to people who need a new leg to get back to work and they are relying on some random case manager in a cold office to get to their application. All the while, their life is on hold because they can't work without a vital prosthesis. I've seen these people get rejected for a grant and wonder what they are going to do next. All they want to do is work and enjoy their lives and spend time with their families.

But, I have seen the system work, too. I've seen the state of Texas pay for an expensive prosthesis and a man go back to work and gain back his dignity. I've seen him smile and heard him talk about his new life. I life he didn't think was possible before the system came through for him.

I know the system can work. We just need leaders who will make it better. Who have aspirations for our country and a hope for their own children to grow up with possibilities and dreams. The same dreams I have for my own boys. I want them to grow up in a country that shows them how to help other people; not tear them down with lies and vicious attacks.

I want them to be able to act according to the two greatest commandments that are found in Matthew 22:34-30 "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it: 'You shall love you neighbor as yourself.'

SPAM email......

2008-10-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

"EXPLODDE HER MIND WITH PLEASURE!!!"

damn, who wants to clean up that mess?

No tonight dear, I'm still putting myself back together from last time.

October is Boobies Month

2008-10-17T16:45:00.000-07:00

Seriously, it is. You go in and get a mammocram and they give you a little pink bag and a travel size nail file set all lined up pretty in a pink case. I got both today! Joy.

My family doc found some "bothersome" spots and wanted me to get in pronto to have the ladies checked out. Didn't realize it was any issue...but his sweet RN called yesterday and wanted to know when I was going in for my ordered mammocram. Fortunately I did schedule the appt...just not with the haste they felt was necessary. So, after her call, I start to think about it and get worried. Why would they call if he wasn't concerned? Is there something to be worried about?

And then I started thinking how sweet it would be if there was something wrong....New Boobies! You know...after the surgeries and chemo and other terrible stuff....But, come one, New Boobies! How nice that would be....

I went in and got crammed into this machine, I mean really crammed into this thing. But, here's the worst part...I have a thing about armpits. It's a random weird freak out thing when things touch my pits. I've had this aversion forever and can't stand when anything gets near them. I don't even look when I shave my pits; it's all done blind. I'm not kidding. The kind lady was shoving me any which way she could to get my miserly tissue up there. And she kept putting her hand in my pit. I'm trying to not hyperventilate and I'm irritated that I'm in this office in the first place. (I mean, this is an office that would make Mary Kay Ash swoon. And I happen to know a thing or two about that woman's taste.)

After four terribly uncomfortable squishing pictures, they move me into another room and tell me to wait for the results from the doc. Maybe she'll want a sonogram, maybe not. Depends on what she sees in my flat panels of flesh.

And...of course, she wants a sonogram. They aren't done with my Boobie yet, by gawd! Sonogram was oh so fun...and I'm thinking that at least they are just playing with the ladies and leaving my underarms alone. When suddenly, the doc slaps some gel into my pits and says, "We'll check out your lymphnodes and be finished in just a minute!" A very happy voice. Like women enjoy having gel slathered all over their frontside. OOhhh...that was the worst part. The cramming, the tweaking with the big machine, that was nothing compared to her rubbing gel into my pits with a gleam in her eye.

"Oh, these look perfect! A little fluid in your milk sacs, but nothing that cutting down on your caffeine won't minimize. See you next year!" And she was gone.

And me, my flat Boobies, and my screaming armpits, were left to clean up after the party.

Ladies, don't miss your chance for such fun and excitement! October is Boobies Month. Get in there and get a mammocram.

True Story

2008-08-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

The scene: Target, aisle 9- cleaning supplies:

Sir Toots: oh, I have to go potty!

Me: Well, you should have gone with your dad and Sweet Center. They just left! Like 25 seconds ago. Seriously!

Sir Toots: Wait! oh, never mind, I stopped it.

me: ok....wait, what? how did that happen?

Sir Toots: You know your weiner? (hands cupped up like he's holding his weiner)

me: Yeah, I don't have one of those, but I know what you mean. I've seen one before.

Sir Toots: I just pulled it in! I didn't use my fingers! I pulled my weiner in my body and I didn't use my hand.

me: Wow, that's like magic!

Sir Toots: yep! and now I don't have to go!

pile of stuff

2008-08-12T23:19:00.000-07:00

I'm delinquent. I admit it. Experiences are stacking up and I haven't shared.

But, you should have seen the look on Hubba Hubba's face when we checked out at Home Depot today. Man, it was priceless. He didn't even want to know how much two light fixtures, two new (oh, so pretty) faucets, five door thing-magigies, six drawer pulls, and misc paint supplies cost. Here's a hint...a lot. :)

Funniest. Thing. Ever. Took Pep to Home Depot (the 1st trip!) and Starbucks yesterday. Random ride in the car with a sweet little puppy who likes to stick his head out the window and feel the breeze. Hubba Hubba is laughing at me and making fun of my dog, damn him, when Pep decides he likes the looks of a big pile of dirt on the side of the freeway. Evidently much more intersting than sitting in the car being made fun of and so he makes a leap for it. Right out the window. Only....only his leash gets stuck on my seatbelt. Seriously. It stopped him from achieving freedom. I'm screaming that Pep is lose when I realize that he's not loose...he's actually HANGING ON THE SIDE OF THE CAR! He's dangling by his collar and swinging in the breeze. I'm pretty sure his ass was enjoying the freedom, but his neck, oh god his neck was wrapped up tight and holding him to servitude. Hubba Hubba can't stop laughing and I lean out and pull the fucker back into the car. Light turns green and we go home. Laughing our asses off.

The Boys come home in three days. Projects won't be completed because we didn't plan ahead and schedule out six or so trips to Home Depot but, I have new lights and faucents. oh they are so pretty...and they help conserve water. Once, we get them installed.

I'm late...fora very important date

2008-07-13T20:11:00.001-07:00

So, being behind has become a way of life around here. We miss the regular stuff like pulling weeds in the bakcyard and doing laundry so that we can play outside with "the street friends" and their parents. Usually it's not a big deal, except that my job is becoming a big deal, and so normal stuff keeps getting pushed further back.

Sir Toots has a birthday this week...he turns 6...and I haven't booked his party yet. He's at the age where what/where/who are very important and he wants to go roller skating. The closest rink to us is 30 minutes away. How do I manage to pull it together and get kiddos to the rink and then back home? I have no idea...so I've been pushing it off. Doesn't solve the problem, really. And now, I have to plan it and pull it all together in the next 24 hours. This is the joy of parenthood, right?

On a lighter note...we've started golfing. The four of us went to the driving range today and had a blast. I started lessons this morning and found out that I have a pretty decent swing. Sweet Center loves the idea of playing golf. I was told by my pro this morning that I need to pass my clubs along to Sweet Center pretty soon. Evidently a bargain set from the local golf shop isn't going to get me very far. Better suited a Jr. Golfer. Dude, that's Sweet Center. Can't believe he's at the age where he wants to look at golf stuff when we go to the store.

And The Boys start their outdoor camp tomorrow. Canoes, bb rifles, and arrows out the wazoo. They'll be exhausted! Fun!

and now, a word from our sponsor

2008-07-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

Things have stabilized for Hubba Hubba now that he's got his dosage in line. He's remembering to take it every night and the results have been nothing short of astounding, really. We spent the weekend cleaning out the garage so he could have a place for his car stuff and I could have my own gardening area. No really, he's taken to tinkering with his Saab and I've got a plant or two that I haven't managed to kill. It's amazing around here, I tell ya!

As for therapy, we're trying to stay focused on why we went there in the first place. Long term things, like communication. It is the hardest thing for us these days. Really weird, because that's always been our strong suit. We still talk, now we're just trying to make sure that when I talk he doesn't hear the shrill pitch of a flightless bird. and to make sure that I hear more than a chirp out of him. Keeping it balanced, you know? It's coming and at the end of the day we still like to cuddle up and read together. So, we still have that going for us, which is a nice reminder of what we're trying to achieve.

The Boys attended Scout Camp last week. Sir Toots is still considered a Papoose, so he was corraled off under a tent and played random games for the duration of the evening. Sweet Center got to shoot a bb gun and do a bit of archery. Total fun on his side of the camp. Fortunately Sir Toots turns 6 this month and magically boys are able to grasp the complexities associated with learning fairness and doing a good turn. Can't handle that kind of pressure at 5, evidently.

Looks Like We Made It

2008-06-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

We made it! Sir Toots moves on to first grade and Sweet Center breezed on to fifth grade. Oh, Happy Day!!

So, we're heading down I35 to find some fun in San Antonio!!

A day with Shamu and then on to meet Sweet Center's favorite author, Rick Riordan, in Austin on Sunday.

Wish us luck! And JOY! We're really holding out for pure unadultered JOY!!

The Sound of Silence

2008-06-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

I once had a therapist that told me I was an "experienced consumer" in the middle of our first session. I'm sure she meant it in the nicest way...like, "Wow, you really know you're stuff...You must have sat on a couch a time or two before!" It makes me smile because I am known as the "Quirky One" on our street. When The Girls get together for margarita's I'm the first to tell a story just to get the conversation rolling.....Why is that?

Anyway, this all makes me a Quirky-Experienced-Therapy-Consumer. So, a couple of months ago when Hubba Hubba and I were struggling with balancing our life, I headed straight to a therapist. She was kind and chuckled at my jokes. You know, the ones I make when I'm uncomfortable and want to smooth out the rough edges of my conversation. On my third visit, she looks at me and said that we weren't going to make any progress unless Hubba Hubba came in with me.

So, being the brave soul that he is, he joined me on the couch. And then it got interesting. During our second joint session, as I'm the only one answering her questions, she just keeps looking at Hubba Hubba. Like the person I had been describing to her could NOT be the man sitting next to me. No way. He looks normal. He doesn't look like a man who heads to bed whenever the mood strikes him- for several hours at a time. He doesn't look like the kind of guy who can so wrapped up in Guitar Hero with our 13 year old neighbor that he loses all track of time (and reality). Sitting there wearing his tie straight from the corporate world, he looks exactly what you would expect a happily married suburban daddy-o to look like. Except, she notices he isn't talking.

And I know what you're thinking, how can he? You do so much talking that the poor man has just learned the survival skill of lethal acquiesence. But, really I'm working on that. And I have learned the "5 second rule." I speak and then wait 5 seconds for him to respond. Except, he doesn't. And the silence has slowly been breaking my heart. When I ask a question, the only response was silence. Total and utter silence. Like it was too much for him to engage. Too much effort. Too much.

So, we ended up on the couch. In front of this woman who just wants to figure out how to help us, when her preconceived ideas about our marriage didn't live up to the reality of the two of us sitting there. She looks him in the eye and asks, "How long have you been depressed?"

Sizzle. This woman wasn't going to play games. She adjusted her concept of us to match the reality and nailed it.

She asked him when the last time was that he really felt joy. Any kind of joy in any kind of activity. His answer was slow and opened a little hole in my heart. "I don't know."

The earth was still spinning, but I felt like the ticketmaster forgot to give me my ticket to jump on the merry-go-round. I didn't like this. I didn't want to think that there was anything wrong with him. Can't you just give us a sample dialogue or something to work on at home? Something simple?

No. There's nothing simple about depression. It's pervasive and poisinous. It will slowly eat you alive. or take away your joy. One small chip at a time.

So, it's up to Hubba Hubba to learn how to correct this course. It's up to him to decide what kind of treatment he wants to pursue. Because he has to. I won't let him sit on the sidelines of our life. He has to be on this merry-go-round with me, dammit. For better or worse, we signed up and paid for our tickets. We have the Boys who need engaged parents.

They need to see that sometimes life is hard, and depression is real, but you deal with what you got and where you are to make the most of this life. You learn to live your joy. and demand it back when it's being taken from you.

Forget

2008-05-30T09:18:00.001-07:00

I so love this...the message is amazing....Look forward and don't carry yesterday with you. It's about this momemt. This momemt. Yes, this momemt. See the big picture and enjoy the journey, but don't expect yourself to carry yesterday's burdens along with todays joys.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Regret nothing. Not even the sins and failures. When a man views earth's wonders from some mountain height he does not spend his time in dwelling on the stones and stumbles, the faints and failures, that marked his upward path.
So with you. Breathe in the rich blessings of each new day - forget all that lies behind you.

Man is so made that he can carry the weight of twenty-four hours, no more. Directly he weighs down with the years behind, and the days ahead, his back breaks. I have promised to help you with the burden of today only, the past I have taken from you and if you, foolish hearts, choose to gather again that burden and bear it, then, indeed, you mock Me to expect Me to share it.

For weal or woe each day is ended. What remains to be lived, the coming twenty-four hours, you must face as you awake.

A man on a march on earth carries only what he needs for that march. Would you pity him if you saw him bearing too the overwhelming weight of the worn-out shoes and uniforms of past marches and years? And yet, in the mental and spiritual life, man does these things. Small wonder My poor world is heartsick and weary.
Not so must you act.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

May it be so with you. Act on today and enjoy the journey with todays blessings.

2008-05-29T03:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Sweet Center,

Sometimes the answer just is "because I said so" and really really arguing with me won't change that. Taking your DS to bed is not a good idea and the only thing I can tell you is that I'm trying to help you sleep. Not get all amped up before I have to come in and force lights out. If I give in and let you play one video game at bedtime, then when it's really time for lights out, you'll just try and argue with me some more. I've learned (oh, yes, I've learned a thing or two from you) that sometimes giving someone a reason "why" just means giving them a ammunition to continue pushing their own argument, regardless of the merit of that argument. It's like this winding circle that you insist upon twisting around our discussion. Man, you're gonna make a killer lawyer or used car sales man someday.

I'm tired, you're tired. Let's just kiss and hug and agree to disagree.

Love, Mama

2008-05-29T03:35:00.000-07:00

holy crap! I just realized that the computer that was accidently left on the front porch and then got wet when the sprinkler system went off (at the wrong time!) had all our photos on it...oh man....these were the photos from the last year with our trips and just random pictures of the family.

Dammit.

Here comes the sun...

2008-05-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

sooo....how've you been? We've been trying to push on and make it through to summer. Summer. That sweet time of year that doesn't require a last minute drill of backpacks and hair inspections (did you REALLY wash? with soap?) to get in line and wait to drop the little buggers off so that their brains can get full. Yes, they'll go to camp and are very excited about the possibilities of learning to row a booat and shoot a bb gun. I'm not kidding! I really paid for them to learn these things. They'll have fun under adult supervision for 3 long months.

Now, if we can just make it through the next 8 days. 2 weeks of school left and we had to meet with Sir Toot's teacher this past week. Seems he's not interested in completing his assignments during the alloted time. So, he's ending in up in Study Hall. Yes, in kindergarten. And then, if he still isn't done, then he ends up in the hallway outside the principal's office. Believe me, when we went in to school early for our conference, he actually asked we wanted a tour of the office. Very familiar territory for him, apparently.

Anyway, we're pushing him through and hoping that we can make it 8 more days. Hubba Hubba and I decided it was time to bribe him. He's working on earning a Nintendo DS. His assignemnts aren't hard and they aren't time consuming. He just needs to do them when he's supposed to....and not end up outside the principal's office.

Spring Break 2008

2008-03-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

We loaded up and headed to our favorite city by the River, San Antonio. We stopped in Austin to visit the Texas State Museum and the Texas Headquarters for Obama. :)
The Boys couldn't wait for San Antonio....

The Boys in front of the Alamo! I love the light in this one.

The boat tour was a great way for The Boys to see the entire Riverwalk and scope out places to visit.

The Boys at night on the Riverwalk. Cute. Cute.

DeRusha's meet SHAMU! Just ignore the lady who looks like she's meeting midgets. I was trying to get away from his weird-o head thing.

Manatee workout. No really, he's doing sit ups!

MY FAVORITE of the whole trip. That was one helluva a margarita-Everything is bigger in Texas!!

ALL3

Do you see this couple?

2008-03-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I had forgotten what joy we had with each other. No, seriously. I really did let the day-to-day grind get in the way. Here and there, with a stop at the dry cleaners on the way, I was running around trying to keep everything in balance and I forgot. We have always been one of those couples that knows when we aren't in balance. It just doesn't feel right to not be on the same page. There would be the occasional stage when one of us would have to bookmark the spot and let the other catch up, but we had always managed to find the page in the end. And so, yesterday, we literally passed each other going through the door. I had groceries in my arms and was herding Sir Toots in the door when Hubba Hubba walked up. I rushed by and said, "Could you pick up Sweet Center from Scouts. He'll be done in about 20 minutes." And then I stopped. And thought about it...and then I said "WAIT!" I could feel his fatigue. He is oh so tired of waiting for me to find him. So tired of being bossed around and directed about. So, I leaned over and kissed him. Bookmark that spot, baby.

Gag, I'm done. :)

Okay...Just a couple more...

2008-03-14T15:00:00.001-07:00

They are amazing....I just have to share a couple more:

How HUGE does he look??

Ask him how old he is...go ahead....he'll tell you 5andahalfandthreequarters

Sorry they are crooked, I'm still trying to figure out my scanner!
I'm off to play outside!

No apologies

2008-03-11T20:02:00.000-07:00

for taking so long to get back into blogging.... :)

I just want to share a picture of My Boys. They have been so busy and I have only just now begun to catch up with them from my travels!! I'm so glad to be home and settling back into our life.

still struggling

2008-01-22T19:24:00.001-08:00

Today I received 3 calls from the school. Sir Toots is still struggling with this thing we call kindergarten. I have no idea what to do at this point. He's lost privileges and he says he understands...but clearly he doesn't. They want to do this Scared Straight thing and take him on a tour of the school for troubled kids here in the district. I'm not quite sure this will help him. I don't think that at 5 he will understand why he's there. and truthfully, I don't want it to backfire and have him WANT to go there.

My friend, who's a special ed teacher, thinks that this is a terrible idea. She is going to bring me some Behavior Charts from her school. Not the ones they use on the crazies...just the normal ones. I'm going to make a case that we need to try some real positive enforcement and see what that gets us.

Fortunately, Sweet Center is still the model of a perfect student. :) His Cub Scout Pinewood Derby is this weekend. He and Hubba Hubba have been working feverishly on this little car. You'd think it was going to be an Indy 500 Car. I love to watch them work on it. The fumes of the paint alone are enough to keep me out of range...but they are having so much fun! I promise to get pictures of the race and post them for everyone.

By the way, as part of my New Year's Revolution to enjoy my life more, I have started a Glog (a gratitude blog) and if you are at all interested in the menial things that make me smile...feel free to check it out here. I have been made fun of for this...so please spare me the witty barbs. You don't have to click it...I just like actually putting it down when something happens that makes me appreciate this life I live, breath, and love everyday.

Travels

2008-01-14T15:32:00.001-08:00

When Mama travels, she falls off the blogging wagon. Sorry for not keeping ya'll updated on The Boys. They are being really good for Hubba Hubba and behaving themselves while I'm away training. Last week San Antonio and this week St. Louis.

Sir Toots was like a suction cup this past weekend and didn't want to let me out of his sight. Sweet Center is so "whatever..you're home...that's nice...fix me some food."

Now, I'm gone again and though I just left this morning, I'm ready to be home with my men. I finished laundry in time to catch my flight and I was off again!

I'll be back with pictures and such soon.

New Year's Revolution

2008-01-03T00:06:00.001-08:00

The only thing that I really, really want to do this year is:

ENJOY LIFE MORE!!

yes, I'll stay on my meds (Hubba Hubba will appreciate this, I'm sure) and I'll still do the laundry and make sure that there are clean bowls in the cupboard for breakfast, but I want to do it with a spirit that sees the enjoyment in the actual act of living.

Please don't think that hoakey. I have really begun to see how precious my life is and short of rolling around in the green grass of goodness that I have so undeservedly been given, I can try and appreciate it spiritually, mentally, and physically.

So, see the irony there? Something that seems so small, really isn't.

Happy New Year to you and yours!

Flickr

2007-12-31T21:44:00.000-08:00

I have a ton to learn about this wacky internet thing....but I managed to upload some Christmas pictures:

Check them out here!

and I've added a button on the right that lets you get there anytime you wish!

The Attempt

2007-12-30T07:46:00.000-08:00

We tried to take pictures of The Boys for Christmas. Here's what happened:

and after several tries, here's how impatient they got:

If we promised you pictures for Christmas, please bear with us....They will be coming in the New Year. From a professional photographer.

Good News!

2007-12-27T21:42:00.000-08:00

I have a job! Well, technically I start my job on Jan 7th. I'm really excited about it! I'll be working with 6 clinics in North Texas that provide services to amputees and others who need prosthetics. My technical title is Business Development Manager- fancy, huh? Really it just means that day to day I will be working with the Practice Managers and physicians to increase business. It will be very cool and I think, more importantly, that it will be a job that makes a difference to people. I will be working closely with new amputees and getting them the assistance and services that they need.

Personally, it means that I will in a challenging environment and I'm looking forward to that after this past year. I'm so ready to say good-bye to 2007! Good things happened and yet there were limits on what we were able to do as a family because of the time I spent soul-searching for a career that would allow me to use my health care knowledge and still feel like I was making a difference. I have done so many personality profiles and spent so much time pondering different avenues of work, that I'm sick of myself and being inside my own head.

I can't say 07 was a total waste for me. I started to practice meditation and I studied Buddhism. I read some of the Dalai Lama's teachings and learned that ultimately I have to learn to live a balance between my religious upbringing and what I believe today. It's not the same, nor is it so different that I am willing to convert to a new religion. I'm still intrigued by the possibility of studying a balance between zazen zen and christianity. This may seem a contradiction since the purpose of zazen is to reach a Buddha state, but I believe there are nuggets in all manifestations that will serve me well in this life to ultimately live in service for others.

I'm trying to teach Sweet Center how to spend a little time each day in meditation. I didn't make a big announcement about it, but Hubba Hubba and I decided to take him off his ADHD medication over the Thanksgiving break for a little while. He's been on some form of medication since he was 5 years old and we thought it would be worthwhile to see how he was without for a few days when he would just be home with us. I have to say that the past month has been wonderful for him. His personality is really starting to POP! and he's not having any issues at school that are outside the norm for a 10 year-old boy. We're teaching him to recognize when he's getting amped up and some basic self-control techniques to pull him back down from hyperactivity. It appears to be working. I learned a few things from the shrink that I met with about Sir Toots. He told me it was okay to give kids a break from medication and allow them to fully experience the range and intensity of their emotions. Hubba Hubba and I just wanted to make sure that Sweet Center just knew how to self-moderate so he wouldn't get in trouble at school or playing with friends. I still can't take them both to the grocery store, but what mother really can take 2 kids into a place that is supposed to overload your senses and hope to come out sane?

As for Sir Toots, we are holding off on making any decisions until later in 2008. I want to get him through kindergarten and then look at his behaviors. He's actually doing quite well right now, so I will keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best when they return to school in January. We have some date nights planned and I so hope that the one-on-one times will help both of The Boys. He's still learning what' acceptable behavior in school so I think cutting him a little slack isn't such a bad idea.

Hubba Hubba and I are planning a get away to our favorite city, San Antonio, for sometime in late February. I have to do quite a bit of travel in January for my new job, and it just makes sense to plan something now for our anniversary. 11 years. How many of you can believe that?!?

2007 taught me many things, but ultimately I learned that no matter what I do or how hair brained an idea I cook up, I will always have the love of Hubba Hubba to catch me when I fall or fly. There's no better lesson learned than that.

Say You Want a Revolution...Yeah Yeah....

2007-12-11T15:47:00.000-08:00

Talking with Sweet Center about the upcoming New Year. The usual stuff about making positive changes and what kind of things we can do for 2008.

Sweet Center:"Let's make a New Year's Revolution to take a lunch to school every day, except Fridays because that's when they have square pizza."

Me: "A Revolution, huh?"

Sweet Center: "Yea, ya know....a real revolution that we can keep."

well, hello there gorgeous.... come here often?

2007-12-08T00:16:00.000-08:00

yes, I'm totally slacking on keeping everyone updated on our household. But, I must admit that I am finding my time away from the computer very fun. I have really learned to throw a pass perfectly to Sweet Center. I'm thinking of changing his name to Sweet Hands. He's that good of receiver. Also, I've been talking with Sir Toot's teacher about his howling. Yes, howling. Our devilish little one has started to amuse himself in the restroom by howling. Evidently while, ahhem, taking care of business, he gets bored. And not having a book around to occupy his mind, he has taken to howling in the hallowed kindergarten communal potty. (Sorry, that was just a fun sentence to write!) Anyway, we discussed this and he has agreed to maybe work on his numbers or ABC's quietly instead of attracting the attention of the entire pod community.

As for my job search...things are well. It's less than 3 weeks until Christmas and I could possibly get my wish! I have a very important interview next week!! And I have a second interview for something that looks really interesting. Both could be challenging in their own unique ways. Hubba Hubba and I are talking about options and what we think of both things. I know what would be best long term for us and so I have a leaning , but I will focus on the positive and appreciate where I am right now. It's been almost an entire year since I was employed at what Hubba Hubba refers to as a "real job" and so I'm looking forward to it!

I must say, I'm so blessed with my ole' man. When we talked the other night and started parsing out each opportunity, he wasn't concerned that one didn't pay as much as the other. No siree...Hubba Hubba looked me right in the eye and asked, "Okay, but which would you enjoy more? I want you to do something that means more to you." Now folks, this man hasn't seen a real paycheck from me in neigh' on 11 months, and he isn't concerned about me just taking any ole' job. He wants me to take the one that I will enjoy. Regardless of the money. Could I get an "Amen" for that classy show of support?

And the country twang is gone and we are backed to my usual breathless ramblings....Please don't think that I'm counting any chickens before they hatch. I know I could go on each of these upcoming interviews and totally burp and fart my way through. But, I know that something good is coming. So, I'm going to keep believing and studying and prepping until I get an offer letter. :)

Now, I have had a few of you ask about my teaching plans. Well, I should say that I decided there wasn't really a reason for us to shell out 40 grand to work on my master's and then graduate to make 40 grand a year. But really, my time at the preschool taught me that I don't want to be locked in a room with 21 children all day unable to go to the bathroom whenever I wanted.

I have found something to do that will enable me to still work with kiddos and be involved with The Boys. When I signed up Sweet Center back in October for Boy Scouts, I filled out the form for Adult Volunteers. I assumed that I needed to fill it out if I planned on going on any camping trips or whatnot. Evidently you only fill out the VOLUNTEER form if you plan on volunteering to actively participate in the Pack. Hmm...who knew? Anyway, I was put on the committee and have been participating in the routine stuff. I have loved it! Not the uniform, though. I have resisted that with every fiber of my being! Have you seen the thing? It's really not my style. Anyway, the big ticket to all this is that Sweet Center has enjoyed me doing this with him. So the Cubmaster of his Pack has asked me to serve as Committee Chairperson. I'm going to meet with her next week to discuss the role and responsibilities in more detail. It's a huge undertaking, but it really will be fun to be this involved with something that Sweet Center so enjoys. Really, I don't have that much time before he's done with totally wanting to spend time with me. I have to jump at the chance while I can! And next year, Sir Toots can join us. By then, I will probably have a uniform, too. But, I swear I'm wearing some little camo cargo capris or something. I can't do the officially sanctioned pants. *shudder*

Okay, I think that's it. If you are still with me on this rambling episode, thanks for taking the time! :)

Sir Toot's brain

2007-11-15T14:12:00.000-08:00

Today after a difficult afternoon, Sir Toot's look at me and says, "It's just my brain. It forgets to rewind itself and I lose my place."
I think this a great summation of ADHD and what we live with everyday. Turns out his teacher has 2 boys with ADHD and so she is well aware of his struggles to stay in his seat and complete his work. I like that she doesn't blame him and make him feel bad about himself- it's his brain that causing all the problems really. It's so important that he continue to think he's the greatest kid since sliced bread!

Anyway, I met with the psychologist yesterday and I have to be honest...my first thought was I ended up in Andre the Giant's office. Once I got over my shock, I found him to be a very nice man. Dr. Mac made a reference to a book series that I love (the Mitford series) and so I knew we would get along fine. He wants to meet Sir Toots next week and then we'll go from there. I just hope he doesn't scare the poor kid!

On the job search front: I am officially over my quarter life crisis and have entered the phase of reentering the workforce with the hopes that I haven't completely derailed my career. I miss the day to day challenges that come with a real job and I'm hoping that a few things I have in the pipeline will work out. I have some great support and know that something will hit that's right up my alley! Besides, Yvette, my psychic, says that there's something on the horizon for me that will use my skills but force me to learn something new. That's exactly what I'm looking for! Let's just hope it pays well. :) I'm believing in it and focusing on making it happen when the timing is right.

***WAIT!**** I just reread this and it totally sounds like I'm still stuck in some kind of crisis! Between the shrink and the psychic, I have crazy all wrapped up. :)

Today I am Thankful For....

2007-11-08T21:24:00.001-08:00

1) A POSITIVE REFERRAL for Sir Toots! YEA!
2) A husband who is supportive and doesn't think I'm too nuts!
3) Boys who still love to wrestle and cuddle.
4) Friends who will help me move a couch just because I want a new look in the living room.
5) Unlimited Opportunities!
6) Friends who have great blogs to remind to stay focused on the good in this life.
7) Finding a psychologist for Sir Toots who doesn't want to slap a label on him UNTIL we have turned over every rock and looked at all the possibilities. We have a meeting with him next week and he wants to focus on behavior modification before we do anything related to ADHD. I'm not denying a problem....I just want to make sure that we are really looking at the big picture and not just looking for a quick fix.
8) Boys who make good choices.
9) Boys who don't complain (too much!) when they realize they made a bad choice.
10) The ability to recognize that The Boys need to make choices for themselves so that when they grow up they can make good choices without a lot of effort.

Humor in all things

2007-11-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

oh yes, I forgot to mention that a hamster died. We figure old age.

Sweet Center: Well, at least he learned a new trick.
Me: What trick?
Sweet Center: He finally learned how to play dead.

Burial services tomorrow under the peach tree in the backyard.

Denial, Anger and moving towards Acceptance

2007-11-03T19:34:00.000-07:00

I met with Sir Toot's kindergarten teacher yesterday and I'm still trying to process the fact that it appears we have another child with special needs. Yes, ADHD is called special needs because raising a child with this disorder is not like raising a "normal" child. Hubba Hubba and I have to focus on helping Sweet Center in different ways than other parents help their children. I was so hoping that Sir Toots would get the swing of things and move right into school with no issues. I wanted that so badly and was even going so far as to refuse to do any sort of evaluation on him when I continued to get calls from the school.

But, I had to stop and ask myself how that benefits him. Does my holding onto my perceived reality really mean everything is okay with him? What about the kids he's hitting and the property he is destroying at school? Don't I have a responsibility as his mother to see past my denial and accept that we need to do something different? Just because he doesn't act like Sweet Center doesn't mean anything. It just means that ADHD is manifesting differently in him.

And that's the rub. This complex and so easily dismissed disorder is not easy to define or categorize. "He's just all boy" & "It's cute how he stands up for himself" and my personal favorite "Don't worry, he's not like his brother" make me want to scream. Like not being like his brother is a good thing? What the hell is wrong with his brother?

I'm angry and disappointed that this is happening to my second child. I'm angry that I have to be different. I'm angry that it's not normal around our house. I'm angry that I can't just relax and let them coast for a while because there's always some new drama coming on. I'm angry that I can't take them to the grocery store without having to threaten them and then I feel like a bitch afterwards. It is different. Our life is different because of ADHD and I'm tired of being told that it's not that bad. I know that I have it easier than parents with "real disabled children." But dammit, it's not easy and I'm tired.

Tomorrow I will appreciate all the things that they do that are different and special and unique. Sweet Center is amazing with numbers and god, does he have an imagination. Sir Toots is my little no nonsense squirt who manages to get in the middle of everything. Tomorrow I promise that I will wake up and give them what they need so that we can clean their rooms. Step by step directions and simple tasks.

But today, today I'm tired. and sad. I'm sad that things won't always be easy for them. Both of them will have to learn coping skills above and beyond their peers. They have to teach themselves to stop and not act out in the moment.

Tomorrow I will hold Hubba Hubba's hand and hope that we are giving them what they need so that they don't become a statistic and do drugs or drop out of school or suffer from low self esteem.

I'm hoping that our love is enough to give them faith in themselves. Regardless of what some stupid evaluation tells me about My Boys.

Caller ID

2007-10-29T16:11:00.000-07:00

is the worst invention ever. Shouldn't I be surprised when the school calls to tell me that Sir Toots has hit someone again? I mean, when I see the schools name pop up on my phone I know it can't be good news these days.

So, today I went down and talked with him. They pulled him out of class at noon and he had to sit outside the principals office until 3p working on schoolwork. I'm not sure how that's going to help him, but at least he's not near anyone to hit again. I'm at such a loss. I don't know what to do or say to him now. We had 2 good weeks and now it's starting again.

Conference with the school counselor tomorrow at 7:30 so I'll keep you updated.

How to Succeed

2007-10-25T19:21:00.000-07:00

So, like I always do when I'm stumped or feeling at a loss, I googled. Today I googled "How to Succeed" in the little box and ever the helpful search engine that could, google recommended "How to Succeed in Life."

Why, yes, google...that's what I'm trying to do...But why do I keep failing? Why do I keep bumping into roadblocks that seem to set me on edge and send me crying for a dark corner and a fluffy comforter?

So, back to my search- here's the the main quote of an article titled the "The X Factor".
I read and I think it really hits the nail on the head:

"if you knew what you wanted and got clear about who you are and how your past experience could be harnessed for the good of mankind then would anything be able to stop you if you consistently applied yourself in that direction?"

So, now the next step is putting on foot in front of the other. Just a moment to collect myself, though. I need to make sure I'm clear on this....

Touched by a....

2007-09-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

well, there's not really any nice way to say this....Sir Toots has issues with his poops. I got the word today that the tests are normal and he just has a bit of blockage that is causing the tummy problems.

So, off we go to Walgreen's to pick up one of those special medicines that goes in the special place. I wait for Hubba Hubba to come home and help me. No way am I doing this one by myself. :)

Sir Toots is quite apprehensive until Hubba Hubba tells him that he has medicine will make his tummy feel better. It just needs to "go into his butt." This comment elicits a chuckle from Sir Toots.

His reponse? "Yes, but the medicine is dirty. It's been touched by my poop."

and then he finishes with,"Can I please have my pants back? I need to eat dinner like a man."

Sugar Bugs

2007-09-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

Sir Toots has stomach problems. He has been complaining about a vague ache for a while but there hasn't been any rhyme or reason to the pain so we've dealt with it and just tried to convince him to spend a bit more time on the potty.

Well, enough of the complaining and I finally convinced the great pediatrician to send us for some testing. Blood work and an xray are simple enough to do and will show if there's anything going on. Or if it's just Sir Toots trying to get out of school and chores.

So we head out on Friday for the blood work. At the lab he's in tears in the bathroom desperately trying to convince me that his pain isn't that bad and really, what's up with the needles? Are you kidding me, Mama? Real needles. I'm pulling every trick in the book out of my back pocket trying to convince him that it will be okay and we'll go to McDonald's when it's all over. There's a knock on the door and the kind lady who will be taking his blood walks in to talk to Sir Toots in a voice that I have already tried. Good luck, lady.

Dammit if she doesn't tell him that she's looking for Sugar Bugs and once she finds them she needs to take a few out so that we can do what the doctor wants. She totally found a way to make it sorta fun and keep us from being the bad guys at the same time. I get into the chair so he can sit in my lap and he crawls up. She gets out the dreaded needle and starts to clean off his arm and he squirms a bit. Noticing this, the nice lady tells him to focus on his Sugar Bugs and going to McDonald's. He tenses up and says okay. I prepare for the worst and take a deep breath.

She inserts her needle and he looks at me with tears in his eyes. And then starts to smile. "oh, that didn't hurt. Mama, I need a burger with cheese and two pickles."

By the way, we got the xray results back and there's nothing there but a little poop. Hopefully the blood work will be clean as well. I should know tomorrow.

What happens in Vegas....

2007-09-18T00:36:00.000-07:00

So, Hubba Hubba is on a business trip to Vegas. The Boys wanted to sleep with me, so I tucked them in and headed back in to livingroom to enjoy a little quiet time. Just me, Al Micheals, and 60k fans enjoying the game from Philadelphia. I have a tendency to avoid going to bed when Hubba Hubba is gone because the bed just doesn't sleep the same way. It's like a pillowtop curse that must make me suffer for being alone.

So, I wake up on the couch with a throbbing in my ear and think that I must have "couch potato ear" from scrunching it up on a down pillow from the couch and not my nice fluffy pillow on the bed. I get up and push The Boys over so I have room to lay down and the pain won't go away. I lay there and my ear continues to throb. I can hear the band pulsing it's way through my middle ear and take a left turn deeper into my head.

Now I just finished a round of antibiotics for some random infection that caused my lymph nodes to swell up like a balloon. I shouldn't have anything wrong with me, but I do and I'm such a baby about it. Hubba Hubba won't be back until midnight on Weds.

I hope he's having fun in Vegas.

It starts at home...

2007-09-16T00:36:00.000-07:00

Sir Toots spent the day playing with his girl-friend, little Miss Priss. I adore this girl and I would love it if they grew up and got married. She has fire and doesn't take any of his nonsense. When they play outside, she's always first to tell him that he's supposed to play nice and share. I love to listen to them upstairs in the toyroom when they don't know they are being spied on. He's bossy and she doesn't take it from him. When he won't share, she has this look with her huge brown eyes that she gives him. Works everytime. The dynamic that is shaping up between them so reminds me of my relationship with Hubba Hubba. Not that Hubba Hubba is one to get saucy, but just the way they interact showcases the difference between men & women.

So anyway, today I walk across the street to pick Sir Toots up and they shoot out the door to head to our house. Miss Priss's mother stops them and asks them to pick up their fort in the livingroom. I head in to wait for them and listen to them talk about who's picking up what. Sir Toots heads over in 30 seconds and says he's done. Miss Priss is still picking up & so I send him back in to help her.

He looks at me and says: "But, Mom! There's only two things left!"
My response: "Well, good. One thing for you and one thing for Miss Priss to put away."
Incredulous he shoots back: "Dude, she has two hands."

Oh yes, my Padawan, you are learning from The Master at home.

P:ositive Referral

2007-09-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

We received a letter this week from one of Sweet Center's teachers

Student Name: Sweet Center
From: Teacher #2
Date: 9-11-07

The reason I received a positive referral is.....

Sweet Center has really blossomed since 1st grade and I am so impressed with his enthusiasm for learning. He is always ready to go and actively participating in all class activities and discussions. I love watching his excitement for learning come alive during math and science and am happy to see it spread to other students!
What I am most impressed by is Sweet Centers citizenship skills; especially respect and responsibility. He is really setting an excellent example for his peers. I am proud of Sweet Center and ecstatic to have him again in class.

How cool is that!? When they do the school assembly this morning (Friday) the assistant principal will read it out loud to the entire school! Sweet Center is so excited and I am so proud of him!

What a kid!

School

2007-09-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

So, I get a call. From a teacher. At work. Evidently Sir Toots is not adjusting quite as well as we'd hoped. :) Dear Sweet Kindergarten Teacher called to let me know that Sir Toots had broken all the crawns (yea, we call them crawns and NOT cray-ons) at his table. For no reason he felt the need to pick them up one by one and break them in half as the other children stared on in horror. This act is, evidently, sacrilege in kindergarten and will not be suffered lightly.

He couldn't do this when crawns were still on sale, no siree. Sir Toots waited until they went up by a 1000% (from 20 cents to 2 bucks a pack) so that Mom & Dad would be forced to pony up the real cash for his transgressions. He worked for the money this weekend and off he went with two new packs this morning.

He's loving PE, though. So far, hands-down it's his favorite subject.

Sweet Center has picked right up where he left off last year; squirming his way into his teachers hearts. This year he has two teachers and lucky for us, one is the same teacher he had in 1st grade. She knows his quirks and how to work with him so he's having a ton of fun. His favorite subject so far is spending time in the library. I think he enjoys finding the biggest book he can possibly pick up- just to justify the freakin' huge roller backpack that he JUST HAD to have. For him, we poneyed up the cash to get him rolling from the get-go. He knows not to break anything because his budget is busted.

As for my class, I am enjoying trying to convince 21 four-year olds that they really need to stay in their seats so that we can practice the letter of the week. Again. I figure if I can teach them all to write their names and the days of the week (in order), then it will be a successful year. I'm earning less and enjoying my job more. I think it's a good trade-off to have energy for The Boys at the end of the day. :)

I do need help, dear Internet. Could you please check in with me randomly and ask about my grad school application? Since I'm going to a new school and a totally new program, I have to do the entire application process again. I got my test scores last week and they are where they need to be...I just hope that I can pull off the essay explanation for why I want to teach and yet have spent the last 10 years in the business of healthcare.

By the way, this is a confidential note to someone very special: Have you made your appointment yet? Times-a-ticking and working on your relationship should be the most important thing on your to-do list. Love you! :)

My addiction, again

2007-08-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

yes, more self-help books. Fortunately this is one I have read before and it helped me last time so I thought another perusal would do me some good. Just your basic run-of-the-mill relationship books to help you feel better connected to your spouse.

So, I'm reading and getting pretty wrapped up in the things that we don't do for each other anymore. Things like flowers and little notes to remind each other how much we still care. I get to thinking and start to feel sad about it. In the middle of my reading, I realized we were out of diet coke. This is my life blood and I have to have a diet coke at least once every 3 hours.

As I lay on the floor clutching my chest in agony, Hubba Hubba looks at me and chuckles. And then proceeds to run to 7-eleven to buy me a big Gulp. I love this man.

We're going to pretend it hasn't been over a month...

2007-08-16T17:32:00.001-07:00

since I updated this blog. Sir Toots has turned 5 and tomorrow Sweet Center turns 10. I can't believe it. It sounds so cliche to say that....but it really is true. I still remember how fat they both were as babies. :)

I am having a blast at my new job. I love being around The Boys all day and I'm learning a ton that will help me with teaching. The kids are so cute and I already have a favorite or two. Keep your fingers crossed about my graduate school stuff. I have requested all the test scores and transcripts that I need to get into the program so now I just have to finish up my letter of reason and get a couple of references lined up. Shouldn't be too hard, right?? Hopefully not.

Anyway, I will try to update more regularly. I know you are out there waiting with anticipation for my next post.

For A Good Time Call....

2007-07-08T19:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, Sweet Center has a cell phone. If you haven't yet received a call from him, don't worry, I'm sure it's coming!
Grandma thought it would be a neat (super) early birthday present, so when she signed up for a new phone, she got the free phone assigned to him. She's covering his airtime.

Ah, the description of airtime is a bit out of his league. Sweet Center doesn't quite grasp that he's limited in the time he's allowed to talk on the phone. The original plan slated for him to share 900 minutes with Grandma. By day three, he had used over 350 and so she switched plans. We're trying to get him into texting (cuz itz free) and he really doesn't need to learn how to properly use the english language. Proper grammer is for sissies. U NO WHT I MEEN?

Is it really JULY??

2007-07-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

Where has the summer gone? I've enjoyed my time at home with The Boys this summer. Unfortunately it's rained and rained. Then it decides to rain a little more. I heard today that we got rain 21 days in the month of June. Here's to hoping that July is dryer!!

If not, then our escape to Wisconsin should be dry. I'm hoping for sun, sun and then some more sun! I never thought I would look forward to the weather in Wisconsin! :)

The Boys head out to spend some time with family in the country next week. I will have 3 days to clean, read and get ready for our trip. I will miss them like crazy
(after the first day!)

Until then we have my sister's three little ones spending some time with us this week. They all just arrived tonight and I already get to play Tooth Fairy for my nephew. Good Times. Really, I mean it. Good Times. I just have to get used to having a messy house. Cleaning up after 2 is way easier than cleaning up after 5. :) Send loving thoughts my way. It will be a long week.

My addiction

2007-06-28T13:33:00.000-07:00

I'm addicted to self help books. Any kind, any topic, and I pick it up and read. Not always cover to cover, but I try to get the gist of it and decide whether I agree on the basic premise. Well, I'm reading one right now that just kicked me in the butt on parenting. The ideas are phenomenal and I whole heartedly agree with 98% of what the author talks about to truly create a connection with our children.

"Buddha never raised kids & Jesus didn't drive carpool" by Vickie Falcone is an amazing read. She is able to take timeless philosophies and teachings from spiritual masters and meld them with parenting. Really, she says, all the information we need to be present and active in our children's lives is already out there, we just don't always think of them as pertaining to our children and our dilemmas as we raise them to be responsible & loving people.

I have noticed a difference in dealing with The Boys. My own peace has jumped and I am learning to take a deep breath (or two!) before I charge headlong into breaking up a fight or correcting Sir Toots when he acts out.

The key thing that every parent needs to learn, according to Ms. Falcone, is how to PHIL our childs needs.
Children learn best when they are PHIL'led up and parents are the best ones to make this happen for their child:
P: Powerful
H: Heard
I: Important
L: Loved

I love the book and I highly recommend it to anyone with kids.

As for the other stressor in my life, a career, it appears that things are shaping up. I had an interview today and another one on Monday to help me pursue my teaching certification. Hubba Hubba and I have really talked about this and since it's something that I really want to pursue, then I'm going to work in a school environment while I take my classes for cetification. Yes, it's a lot less money than I had been making, but he is so supportive of me and is ready to do what he can to make it happen.

I'm in a really happy place right now. Today I can say it is about White Tulips and Sunshine. I'm going to continue to think positive and breathe. I'm asking the Universe for some things and I believe that I deserve them. That's a huge step for me.

We can't get enough of the outdoors....

2007-06-24T17:27:00.000-07:00

We had 8 children spend the night last night. In tents. Outside. I think we are taking this outdoor thing a bit far. But, we had s'mores and told stories and made the night all about the kids. It was nice. Until about 2:30am when I couldn't sleep and the brave mother that was outside with me decided to call it quits and go home. Fortunately she lives across the street, so it wasn't a big deal. I packed up the remaiming children and took them all inside. Unfortunately, I didn't get to sleep in my own bed. Sir Toots wanted to sleep with Hubba Hubba, so I slept in the guest bed upstairs. That was very nice- no children and no bugs. Until 8:00am this morning when I was awaken by yelling about breakfast downstairs.

I went down and calmed everyone by promising something grand. And then went to my own bed and kicked Hubba Hubba into the kitchen to deliver on my promise. It's nice to have him around.

We Really are City Folks

2007-06-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

Ms. S. can't get over how much of a City Boy Hubba Hubba is. So different from the boys she knows. I've tried to tell her that he's actually a City Man, since he did grow up in a city and spent some time in South America growing up. Obviously this means that farming is totally foreign to him. Me too, for that matter. I remember going to visit my grandparents ranch in Central Texas and walking through the orchards and going out to see the cattle. But, truly this was vacation and not my real life, so I'm pretty umfamiliar with how to grow things.

However, with our house, we inherited 2 peach trees. They didn't bloom that much last year, so we asked my grandmother what to do to make them pop this season. Hubba Hubba dutifully followed her directions last Fall and we chuckled about how funny it would be if we actually got anything edible of them this year.

Boy, Howdy...did we ever!!

Doesn't that make your mouth water?

That's Sweet Center in the background, trying to figure out what the hell we were doing out amongst the bugs in the backyard:

This is 1 of 3 boxes full of peaches:

Hubba Hubba had quite a bit of fun pulling them down from the trees:

And Sir Toots loved going through them and he pulled out the "icky ones":

We may be City Folks, but we sure do know how to grow us some peaches!

Father's Day

2007-06-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

A day to celebrate the men that make a difference in the lives of The Boys.

For Hubba Hubba: I love you more with each day. No more so than when I see you with Our Boys and the way you love them. I have a snapshot in my mind of when Sweet Center was oh so small. You were laying on the floor playing with him and the light that shone between you two took my breath away. The memories continue, this morning it such a joy to see you teach Sir Toots how to shave.

to Pop: Your love and guidance over the years have meant more than I can ever articulate. Watching you with my own children makes me appreciate you so much more. The tenderness you have for each of your grandchildren is beyond anything I could have imagined. Thank you for opening your heart to each of them and showing them how a real man loves.

to Gramps: Your love for The Boys is amazing. I still remember the day you drove up to the house and Sir Toots yelled to all his friends, "That's my friend, Gramps! " You are their friend and so much more. Thank you for your love and for being a true grandpa!

To Grandpa De: Your relationship with The Boys is blooming. Thank you for making the effort and spending time with them. And really, thanks for your efforts with Hubba Hubba as he grew up. I know what a handful he was, but he turned into a helluva winner. I know where he gets his playfulness with his own sons.

To Uncle Tony: Your love for my boys is a joy to see. Thank you! By the way, you have something under your arm...oh wait, that's just a spot that needs to be tickled!

Random Quote for the Day

2007-06-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

Love is the Child of Freedom.
~from an old French song

I love this quote because it makes me think of all the people close to me that have allowed me to truly be myself over the years and how much I love them for that. By giving me the freedom to be myself, they have created an atmosphere of love.

Hubba Hubba's willingness to stand by and support me in all the phases and growing that we have been through over the years is certainly one of the key things that keep us together today.

My sisters willingness to smile and shake her head when I totally overstep my bounds.

The way my mother rolls her eyes and then just laughs at me when I continue to overstep my bounds.

How The Boys know that Mama is trying to be patient and love me in spite of my faults.

My dear friends who commiserate with me and then find a way to make me laugh in spite of myself.

My family and friends who know that despite my failings, I'm really trying. The Freedom to make mistakes and know that they will still come back around is liberating.

I only hope that I do the same.

Random Facts about US

2007-06-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

1) Hubba Hubba wasn't really sure he wanted to go out with me in the beginning.
2) I wasn't really sure that I wanted to date him, either.
2a) We got over it.
3) Hubba Hubba never proposed to me.
4) Sweet Center's real name was going to be spelled different, until they screwed it up in the hospital and we figured that the poor kid has us as parents and we shouldn't add to his burden, so we went with the common spelling.
5) Sir Toots was supposed to be a girl. Now, he just REALLY likes girls. and kissing. except his Grandma. For some reason, he thinks he's allergic to her kisses.
6) We really like basketball. Knew that already, didn't ya?
7) Hubba Hubba and I never had a honeymoon.
8) Hubba Hubba is really smart.
9) I'm the one with personality. :)
10) Our best friend lives a long way away.
11) We miss him.
12) He didn't like the idea of us dating, either.
13) He got over it, too.
14) I like random bits of poetry and quotes.
15) Sweet Center can tell you all the characters found in every single Star Wars movie.
16) Sir Toots can tell you all the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles names.
17) We've moved over 10 times in 10 years. I'm done moving for a long time.
18) We've talked about adopting a little girl. It probably won't happen.
19) Hubba Hubba swears that he's taking me to Bora Bora some day. It better happen.
20) We don't call the people we love enough.
21) We hope that they can love us anyway. or just get over it.
22) Pepper and Harley Girl love to play in the flowerbed in the backyard.
23) I'm really happy with the life we have. I think Hubba Hubba is, too.

Tweeners

2007-06-12T08:06:00.001-07:00

A little ice, some TLC, and a visit from the Tooth Fairy makes a sore heel all better. Fortunately Sweet Center doesn’t seem to have any long-term injuries and he will live to play another day.

And Mom? Well, a good kiss, a warm bath and an early bedtime helps with a fresh perspective. Things really aren’t that rough, it just seems to be sometimes. And if a girl can’t complain to the Internet, then what does she have left in this world?

Sir Toots and I are off to a baseball game today. It should be super fun! Sweet Center is spending the day with a friend celebrating his birthday at a local waterpark. Totally right up his alley.

I think that I’m going to try and compromise on this whole career thing. I just might look into continuing my business career and then volunteer with a special group. There’s an ADD group here in Dallas that is apparently pretty active and this would enable us to spend time with kids and their families, while learning a bit about how to help us as a family cope with the changes that come along with being a Tweener with ADD.

Did you know that Sweet Center is considered a Tweener? He’s not really a kid anymore and yet he’s not a teenager. He’s in between, thus he’s considered a Tweener. It’s difficult to put into words the subtle changes he’s going through right now. The next stage of development is so different from what he’s been through before. His childlike responses aren’t always appropriate now and yet he’s still now sure how to be “all adult” about something. It’s a learning process on what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t.

Hey, I think I might be a Tweener, too! Can I claim that title??

"Queen Tweener!~"

somehow I counted wrong..

2007-06-11T18:30:00.000-07:00

this is post 102...I don't know how those geniuses at Blogger manage to stay on top of how many posts I have when I don't even know. Anyway, I'm in a gritchy mood and I'm trying (unsucessfully) to hide it. Hubba Hubba is giving me a sideways look everytime I open my mouth. I burped and I swear to God I thought he was going to give me another one of his pithy remarks until he realized that I didn't actually say anything. Then he couldn't really say anything smart assey back at me so he suffered a moment of frustration and then went back to his paper. I'm telling you, fun times in our house.

Sweet Center just lost his first summer basketball game by 10 points and he somehow managed to bruise his heel. How do you do that at 9, you ask? Well, first you get really lazy before the game and refuse to untie your shoes all the way...then you just jam your foot into a high top. When it won't immediately slide it, you start to stomp on the back end of your shoe until your foot starts to hurt. It will eventually go into the shoe, but a small amount of damage occurs which insures that you are unable to jump for a rebound or take a good shot because your heel, omigod, your heel it hurts sooo bad.

I guess once I figure out what I want to be when I grow up then things will settle into a routine around here. For now, Hubba Hubba and I are discussing the merits of teaching vs. an actual career in the business field. I like the teaching thing and he doesn't like the pay. He likes the pay of the business world and would prefer that I pursue something that will allow us to drive expensive cars and take a nice vacation on an annual basis.

Sorry, this really is a bitch post...I'm just stuck in limbo and I'm tired of not knowing what I'm going to be doing. Isn't there like a test or a coin I can flip that will tell me what to do? I've stuck up conversations with strangers on the street for their advice, but really, is a homeless man the best idea for a career counselor? Probably not, so I'm stuck. and so, more fun times around here.

My 100th Post!

2007-06-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

and I'm actually giving it to Sir Toots and his amazing photo skills.
For your viewing pleasure:

Photography by Sir Toots:

Damn! What a GRIN!!

And a little abstract art....

The Commute to PreSchool Never Looked so Good!

This is totally My Favorite! What Nice Legs You Have, My Dear...

How fabulous is he? Isn't that amazing?!?

But, what I really want to do is to....

2007-05-29T04:30:00.000-07:00

Seriouslyl, I need to get better about this sort of thing. Anyway, our house is all in a tizzy because Ms. S will be watching The Boys for the summer. They are so excited about this development. No more daycare. It's all fun and stuff with the new Nanny. Fortunately she's family and I totally trust her with my guys. The neighborhood husbands think it's a hoot that she's gorgeous and like totally built and that I'm allowing her major amounts of time in my house. I think the whole thing is great and I love her to death. I just don't want any of the street boys to get any ideas. She's 19 and is getting ready to have a great summer.

I remember being 19 and feeling like the whole world awaited me to make some grand decisions on how it should rotate to keep me totally happy. That's why we're all carefree at one point or another in our lives- so that we can feel like our options are totally unlimited. Having Ms. S here will allow her to see a bit more of the world than the little corner that she's used to and it will allow The Boys time to really enjoy summer. I so would have loved this opportunity at 19. Fortunately I started dating Hubba Hubba at that point in my life and so I didn't go totally hog wild on freedom. Only just a little bit and I took him along for the ride. He had fun, regardless of what he will tell you now. :)

But, with that little bit of freedom, I lost the ability to see the whole world as full of options. I didn't become captive by any stretch of the word, but I was limited in my decisions because at 21 we had a little one that relied on us to make some positive decisions for him. We went from total and utter irresponsibility to "holy-hell-we-have-to-make-sure-he's-fed-and-stuff" in 2 short years. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I have to come realize is that we made decisions that have gotten us where we are today career wise. Fortunately Hubba Hubba loves what he's doing and he's really good at it, but I seem to have just floated along and ended up...here. And here isn't looking as wonderful as I thought it would. So, I'm taking stock of my work situation and asking questions and I think that it's time for a change. A change in my direction. I'm so blessed that for the first time, because of Hubba Hubba's sucess, I get to look at what I want to do. Not what I have to do to pay the bills and keep shoes on our feet. I have some ideas and I'm mulling some things over.

At 31, it's liberating to think that I can do what I really want to do. With the little bit of wisdom I've picked up over the years, I think this is better than wild freedom at 19.

Love Marks

2007-05-17T18:42:00.000-07:00

I have stretch marks. shocker, I know...but seriously, nobody told me about this part of having children- the whole losing the young body that was once upon a time adored....
Anywho.... tonight Sir Toots and I were playing and rolling around on the floor.

He pulls up my shirt and says: oh, that's where we kicked you when we were in your belly.
me: yes, that's right. Those are my love marks.
Sir Toots: well, you have them in front, on the sides, and on your back. Turn over, I want to see them all.
Me: well, yes...hmmm....I love you and your brother you alot.
Sir Toots: I think they are beautiful!

Nobody told me this was part of having children... where sometimes you just want to eat them up. That's the really special part.

Plan B

2007-05-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

what is they say about the best laid plans? Well, that's where I seem to be with my work situation. I hate to even blog about my frustrations because it's going to get everyone all in tither and stressed about us. Please don't stress. Hubba Hubba provides well and so we still have shoes on our feet and food in the pantry. I don't know what to do with the food, but it's there just the same. I suppose that's something.

I'm just standing at the edge of a cliff.....I can clearly picture my tender stance.....holding my arms and ready to jump.....For some odd reason I seem to be wearing a long white nightgown. Creepy, because I don't own of those. I'm sure Hubba Hubba would burn it pretty qucikly if I walked out of the bathroom wearing one, anyway. Hopefully he would let me take it off before he lit the match.

But, I digress.....I don't think I was prepared for the ups and downs in this business. I hate the feeling that I'm putting pressure on Hubba Hubba to be the sole supporter. Even when I stayed home with The Boys during their respective first year, I tried to really contribute. For crying out loud, I still have Ms. Maria come and clean the house because I just don't have the time (or inclination) to scrub me some toilets clean. I've been picking The Boys up at 3p and they really enjoy being home earlier. And they are learning that I'm working and I can't go out and toss a ball. But having them here prompts me to wrap it up and go out and play before our normal time. So, that's something else, I suppose.

It's just that I don't how I'm contributing now. I'm certainly not adding to the family coffers. and yet, I'm working so I can't technically call it a day and go to the park. I'm not a stay at home mom and I'm not sure you could me a working mom either. I do believe that in typical fashion, you have to bring in money to be technically considered working.

It will come...I know it will. Like the little blue engine that could....I'm pushing on and believing someone with way more experience in this field than me that it's going to work....

I just wish I could feel a definite success. I'm tired of standing here waiting for something to happen. I want to MAKE it happen.

Amazing Mothers

2007-05-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

Amaze:
Main Entry: 1: amaze
Pronunciation: &-'mAz
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): amazed; amaz·ing
to fill with wonder : ASTOUND
intransitive verb : to show or cause astonishment
(from MerriamWebster.com)

I have an amazing Mother. I live in constant awe of the things that she accomplishes in her life. Growing up in East St. Louis without the white picket fence upbringing would lead many people to a small life. But that life wasn't enough for her. She chose to become a better person. It's a choice that she continues to make today. Not perfect, but trying to become a better person. I remember once scolding her for being too nice to someone who had wronged her. I thought she needed to stand up and give them a taste of their own medicine. Her response to me was so insightful. "Sweetie, when I die I don't want people to remember me as a bitch, I want my tombstone to read: She was a nice person." That's it. A nice person. Never mind all the other amazing things she has accomplished, she sees the most important thing as how we treat each other. Between that attitude and the love of a great handbag, I think my amazing mother prepared me well for the world.

I have an amazing Mother in Law. It can't be easy. I was thinking today about the old adage that a mother loses her son when he gets married. It makes me sad, not just because I have sons and I don't want it happen, but because it's true that we do let life get in the way of sharing special momemts with those who mean the most. Couple that with a son who doesn't like to talk on the phone and you have a glimpse into my MILs life with us so far away. I tell myself that I won't let it happen and we try to reach out more often, but I don't believe I have ever really shared how special she is to me and the life that I have built with her son. I am most grateful for her hard work in raising a boy into an amazing man. I know that teaching them to be selfless loving human beings is not easy- especially when they want to grow up into action figures! But, I am ever so thankful that she was steadfast in her love and support of Hubba Hubba over the years. When we were first married with a little one on the way, I'm sure there were momemts of doubt, but to her amazing credit and my eternal gratification, she supported us. And she loved us into this grand adventure called marriage. I have learned many things from her over the last 12+ years. She is an amazing mother-in-law. I am so thankful that I can also say she is my friend.

Today, I truly do celebrate the amazing woman who make a difference in my life everyday.

Happy Mother's Day!

yes, I'm still here...

2007-05-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

We are all still here. Things are super busy with school winding down and the outdoor activities that we can now do have taken up much time.

Besides, I'm trying to figure out how the hell to operate FLICKR so that I upload a ton of pictures. I'm terrible at this kind of stuff. Hubba Hubba is much better....but truthfully in the evenings we have developed a habit of no electronics unless necessary. It's tiring to sit at this computer all day and then get back on at night. :)

I have started needling The Boys to help me with a family mission statement. It's neat to talk to them about what it means to be a family. We're trying to structure it so that we have a compass in our family. Does that make sense? Stephen Covey calls it beginning with the end in mind......For example, if a major thing to us as a family is spending time together then it when comes time to do things we figure out ways to do them as a family. Like yard work. Before I used to do the gardening stuff and Hubba Hubba would work on the grass. The Boys would entertain themselves by playing basketball or video games during this time. Now, we all get involved and they help me with the weeds and planting. No sharp objects...but it's fun to have them help.

So, my entries will be sporadic..but I promise to figure out this new fangled picture thing soon!!

It's for real

2007-04-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

Sir Toots is offically starting kindergarten in the Fall. I took all the paperwork by today and it was a fairly painless process. Until I walked out of the school and realized that my little baby is really getting big. Kindergarten! It's a big step! He's so excited and can't wait to go to school with Sweet Center.

It's poor Mama that's having the problem with it! :)

My poor little biological clock is so not happy right now. It's shouting! for another baby. But, alas, it's not happening and so I guess I'll just have to baby the puppies and hope that will suffice.

and hug and love on the two big boys that I have. Sweet Center won't let me kiss him unless we're at home now. I can't bribe him or anything. No kisses! That's the rule.

Man, oh man, that happened fast!! It's cliche, but, I do have to ask where the time went......

not your average blog

2007-04-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

okay, so I know that people enjoy reading blogs where there's some drama or general feeling of "let's-end-this-marriage-before-we-kill-each-other" type of humor. Unfortunately if that's what you want today then you need to go bookmark yourself to somewhere else. It's not always sunshine and white tulips around here, but today is a good day for me and I want to write about it so.... since you showed up......

I realized last night why I like being married. Especially to Hubba Hubba. He came home from work and I followed him into our bedroom like a little lost puppy. He's trying to get the tie off as quickly as possible and I just look at him. Really look. and I realized how surprised I feel that after all this time that I still get a bit of a jolt when I realize that he's mine. Like I won the lottery of life. I didn't know it would be like this. I don't think I've ever seen it before in a real life marriage.

So, this tender feeling flows over me and I must be smiling like a loony because he looks at me like he's worried about having to recommit me to Nutward. Fortunately the moment passed and we made it through dinner without incident.

But, it was nice to be reminded how special he is and how lucky we are.

So, pardon the gushy feeling today. I promise to try and get back to snot jokes and other rampant things tomorrow.

Growing Up

2007-04-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

Sir Toots: I wanna stay 4 forever. Maybe 5, so I can do school. But not, 6 or 7 or 9.
Me: But, your brother made it through and he's doing fine. He had a lot of fun at age 6, 7, and now 9.
Sir Toots: yea....but I like 4. It's nice and you still kiss my feet because they don't smell like his.
Me: Well, that's true. (thinking that I have given this child a foot fetish at the tender ole' age of 4). But really, getting big is a good thing. You can do all sorts of things as you get bigger and stronger.
Sir Toots: But when I grow up I have to move out of the house and leave you. I don't want to leave you.
Me: (thinking that is the sweetest thing he's ever said.) But, sweetie, we all grow up and do things that we want to do for fun.
Sir Toots: Okay, but I'm coming back to live with you every now and then. I don't want to have too much fun!

Company is gone

2007-04-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

and I have to say it was....nice. We enjoyed many drinks and some good food. Hubba Hubba has promised to try and cook a little more since it seems pretty apparent that he should have inherited a little bit of cooking finesse. Certainly more than me! and so we'll see how that goes.

Sweet Center is a little sad, like always when company leaves. You'd think that the many personality disorders in this house would keep him entertained for a bit, but I believe he has become bored with us all and relishes the times when others drop in for a visit. I do have to say that this trip was much different though. There was an older boy in the house for 6 days. Of course, he was influenced in things such as musical taste (thus, the rap crap currently in the background) and sports (he didn't know how many homeruns Babe Ruth had and was teased a bit for it- so he's determined to remedy this and is buried underneath a need to soak up as much ESPN radio as humanly possible.) What else....there's something....oh yes, a cell phone. He's absolutely convinced he needs a cell phone, like Uncle Cris. A freakin' cell phone. I'm so hoping that we can hold out on this one for a bit longer. So far it's the only thing he wants for his birthday. Please let there be a super duper special at Verizon in August.

Sir Toots is back to his usual self. Goofy and a little sweet. No worse the wear for the bloody nose he sustained this weekend tossing his new jaguar to his Uncle Cris in a game of some sort. He nows believes that his snot is red. Seriously! He said this to me. He's isn't green like this brother's, it's red because that's his favorite color. MMMMM........okay, if you say so, babe.

Hubba Hubba is back to work with a tie around his neck and smile on his face. He so enjoyed the time to watch his father really be a Grandpa to The Boys and play and tickle them mercilessly. He even played with both the puppies and that really won over Sir Toots. Any dog lover is a good guy in his book.

Uncle Cris was such a sweet guy to The Boys. He played with both of them and taught Sweet Center a few tricks with the basketball. It was fun to watch them really enjoy the time they had together.

So, all in all, my apprehension was unwarranted. My father-in-law is a nice man who's trying to keep his busy life intact and remedy the fact that he hasn't been with his grandsons as much as he, or we, would like. The nice thing is that this visit wasn't about apologies or guilt for would-have's.

It was just a nice visit with two great guys who just happen to be Hubba Hubba's family. We're all trying to do our best in this race called life and that's all we can ask of each other.

Family

2007-03-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't know if it's me or just a general feeling of well being due to my current medication, but things are going very well. :) We are all having tons of fun. The Boys are in love with their Uncle and Grandpa. It's quite cute to watch them all play.

Uncle De (as he is being called) has quite the basketball hands. He's teaching Sweet Center some great tricks and ball handling moves. Sir Toots is just in awe of someone over the age of 10 that is paying him some quality attention.

As for me, I'm enjoying the time with my father-in-law. Since it's a relaxed atmosphere, it's much different. We are all enjoying laughs and some really good food!!

Hubba Hubba is just enjoying it all.

The British are coming! The British are coming!!

2007-03-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

Not really....but....See? Now you're as worked up as I am about the imminent arrival of my father-in-law. He's always made me a bit nervous. And now he's coming to our new house in Texas. Well, yes we have been here 2 1/2 years, but it's his first visit and I can't help but be a little bit nervous. Hims cultured and stuff. And he'll be here almost an entire week with our little simpleton family.

I love Hubba Hubba's family. The rest of them are really nice normal people and I really enjoy seeing them, but his dad has this thing with a pipe and a slow cadence that makes my little heart stop. Not in a smooth way, just in a totallly intimidated way that makes me feel that whatever I was going to say would be inappropriate. After 12 years you'd really think I would be over it. But, I'm not. I think it has to do with the fact that we got married so young and please, dear God, let this man think that his son chose well in picking me to be his bride.

The carpets are (relatively) clean and the rooms are as organized as they are going to be at this point. Nothin' else I can do but pick him up at the airport this afternoon and hope for the best. I'm still trying to figure out what to do him and Hubba-Hubba's little brother over the next few days. I'm sure we'll have fun. I just need to keep my mouth shut and not say anything too shocking or out of the realm of acceptance. Think The Boys can do that? Ya, me neither.

I am looking forward to a stress free visit in 2 weeks with Grammy and Auntie Courtney. That will definitely be fun. :)

Think good thoughts for me today!

Celebration

2007-03-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and remembered that I had a blog. That all 3 of you read. and I have been ever so neglectful in updating you on what's happening our in happy little household. Please accept my humble apologies. I shall whip myself with old noodles in the pantry later today as punishment. :)

The other night I was able to convince Sweet Center to shear his hair. All of it. He looks so adorable (and clean!) now that I just can't stop telling him. So:

Sweet Center: Mom, it's getting a little annoying that you tell me 20 times a day that I'm cute and that you love me.
Me: Well, I know you're getting big and stuff. I can't kiss you in front of your friends now. Do you want me to stop telling you how wonderful I think you are?
Sweet Center: Well.....no. How about just 10 times a day instead of 20. I think I can handle hearing it like 10 times a day.

It's been a wonderful week for him. On Monday he received word that he made "Commended" on the state mandated testing. AND! he gets a gold medal to show off. This is the neat part for him. The gold medal is super cool. And the rest of the week has been super check + for him all week. If everything holds steady and he finishes all his assignments on time today then I promised that we would go buy the movie "Eragon" and have the grandest movie night on the block.

Keep your fingers crossed for the boy. He's so lovely, cute and wonderful that I want to just celebrate him. But only like 10 times today. After the super week he's had he certainly doesn't deserve a mother who annoys him.

Random Thoughts

2007-03-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

today is a hodge podge of stuff. I've been working and shuttling Sweet Center to basketball camp all the while making sure that everyone has clean underwear. A mother's work is never done, I tell ya! :)

I've been meaning to put this up for a bit:
4 Things:
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Cashier at Chuck E Cheese (high school)
2. Unit clerk in a NICU (neonatal ICU) (college)
3. Corporate Trainer (1st semi real job)
4. Pharmaceutical Rep

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. The Mummy
2. The Mummy II
3. Princess Bride
4. any Christian Slater movie (preferably the early years before he went all crazy on drugs and what not)

C) Four places I have lived:
1. Frisco, TX
2. Indianapolis, IN
3. Lubbock, TX
4. Fond du Lac, WI

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Any basketball that's on
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Scrubs (it's Hubba Hubba's favorite)
4. Eureka (SciFi Channel)

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Galveston, TX
2. Cabo San Lucas
3. San Antonio, TX
4. Damn, we need to get out more.....

F) Four of my favorite foods:
1. Crab
2. lasagna (my mom's version)
3. chocolate chip cookies
4. Taco Beuno bean burrito

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Shopping for hardwood floors
2. on the beach in Mexico
3. San Antonio (with Hubba Hubba)
4. Disney World (with all my boys)

And. The dogs are doing good. Harvey and Pep have begun to play together. Super cute.
I'm still car shopping....I so wanted a Mini Cooper, but then we test drove one with The Boys in the backseat and it just didn't seem right to cram them into a car everytime we needed to head out for a loaf of bread. I didn't think I could handle the 'pop' sound that would ensue everytime I had to wedge out Sweet Center's legs from the backseat.

I do believe that's all on our frontier....

apples

2007-03-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

I made a deal with The Boys. If they would help me put away all their laundry then we would sit down in our jammies and watch whatever movie they chose. They were up for it and were a great help in getting all their clothes upstairs. I started cleaning some things up while they were picking out the movie.

Sweet Center calls out, "Mom, what are you doing?"

I reply, "Give me just a second. I'm trying to finish up and I'll be right there to watch Wallace and Gromit with you." I'm thinking that he's getting impatient with me and wants me to come and sit down with them like I promised. I have a slight elated feeling that it's so important to him that I come and sit with him. Isn't it so sweet the way he is pestering me so that we can have some fun time?

Sweet Center interrupts my charming thoughts by yelling out "oh, you aren't busy....get me an apple and cut it up, will ya?"

Sick Puppy

2007-03-09T10:08:00.000-08:00

Holy Crap! Did you know that puppies can get really sick and keep you up at night? Did you? Well, evidently that thought never crossed our minds on Sunday. It didn't really occur to us that having a 3 month-adorable-as-all-get-out-puppy would have us staring at each other over the glow of the alarm clock as it slowly counted the minutes down to the start of our day. Between the mess on the carpets from coccidia's disease (don't ask- it's gross and requires medication) to the pitiful cough that rattles Harley's whole chest (which, coincidentally also requires medication) we aren't sleeping much. Currently she's swallowing down 3 pills a day and I'm getting ready to go get the 4th from the vet to suppress the cough so that she (WE!) can sleep. Hubba Hubba is such a sucker for this little girl. He brought her to bed with us and cuddled up with her until she fell into her fitful sleep around 4:30am. Safely tucked in his arms. Yes, I will admit to a bit of jealousy. That's my spot at night, gash darnnit!

We have discussed that it's like having a newborn in the house. Except I was breastfeeding the last one so it was pretty easy to bring him to bed with us (which he still thinks is where he is supposed to wake up everyday!!!) and it wasn't a big deal.

This is a big deal. Harley is losing weight, and really when you weigh 7lbs, there isn't much to lose. So, for now we're keeping her within sight at all times. Poor Pep is slowly coming around. We are giving him extra attention and The Boys play with him every chance they get now. It's cute to watch him be a little snot and stare at us and then decide that he's okay with us loving on him in the presence of this other annoyance.

Well, I'm off to buy a new comforter for our bed (don't ask- it's gross.)

Rescued

2007-03-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

Well, the weekend started out pretty normal. And then.....well, let me introduce you to the newest member of the family:

She was christened "Harley" in the middle of the pet store when we absolutely had to have a name for her collar. Sir Toots calls her "Harley Girl". She's 3 months old and is very sweet. Since I work from home, it was assumed that I could a majority of the house training. :) But, she's really Sweet Centers puppy. She slept with him last night and he absolutely LOVED it!

We have no idea what kind of dog she really is, some Blue Heeler mixed in with a little bit of something else. Hubba Hubba loves her and thinks that since he didn't get a say on Pep that it's fair that I was ganged up on and ended up with a new puppy. I don't really mind. She's adorable, and like kids, that will get you pretty far when you make a mess in the house.

Pep isn't really crazy about her, but he'll come around eventually. He's getting his monthly grooming right now and I'm sure that he thinks he's been shipped off for the netherland. I hope he comes around soon though, because it's getting a bit ridiculous to watch him run from the room when all 7lbs of Harley shows up!

Thursday 13

2007-03-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

2 weeks ago today my mother bought a house that is exactly .9 miles (is that mile singular?) from our house.

Today is 13 Reasons I Love Having My Mom So Close:

13) It's not a big production to have dinner with her now. She can meet us somewhere and then not feel like she's tied to us for the rest of the evening.
12) The Boys think it's a mini vacation to go to Grandma's House for a few hours.
11) Her lasagna is way better than mine.
10) I think it's a mini vacation to go to her house for a few hours.
9) She shops at Costco, so there's always extra sponges and toilet paper in her garage.
8) She doesn't care if I want a nap and The Boys just want to watch a movie when we visit.
7) There's always something for The Boys to do now that she has a backyard!
6) We can talk all we want and not be tied to the phone.
5) I have a new walking partner to keep me company early in the morning.
4) She doesn't mind if Pepper joins us for dinner. I think she actually likes him running around her house.
3) This past week she watched The Boys while Hubba Hubba and I sat at home and moaned through our sickness. That's like the greatest gift ever!
2) She can go to The Boys sporting events and not have to make a day of it. And she's always up for ice cream afterwards!
1) There's nothing like having your best friend right down the street- nothing beats having her so close!!

My mother is one of the New Generation grandma's. She has a job that she loves and a life that she enjoys but she still finds a way to balance us all. Between business trips and soccer games, she knows what matters and always finds a way to make it all work.

Her 5 grandchildren are lucky to have her as their grandmother and my sister and I are super lucky to have her as our mother and best friend.

I love you, Mom.

The Force

2007-02-28T18:26:00.000-08:00

Please call George Lucas and let him know that The Force is running loose in our toy room.

Air hockey in our house can get a little fierce. Sir Toots and I were in the midst of an epic battle when I notice he's not sending the puck back to me. I look up at him and he's got this look of utter concentration on his face and his little hand is stretched out. The puck, meanwhile, is slowly turning under the air that is circulating on the surface just out of his reach. Sir Toots looks up at me and says, "I can't reach it. But I can use the force!"

And, lo, as it was spoken, the puck slowly rotates and glides within the reaches of his fingers.

The Jedi Master beamed!

Levity!

2007-02-28T06:02:00.000-08:00

Yea! no fevers, chills or upchucking in the house! Well, except for Pep, and he's a dog so he's allowed to puke at random intervals and it doesn't mean he's sick. :) Everyone's off to school and work feeling as close to normal as they can after the sickness struggle from the last few weeks.

So, I bring you some fun for today's blogging pleasure: What's your favorite color?

See, the idea is that your favorite color tells something about your personality. Mine is red and I thought it was because I looked good in the hue. Actually it shows that I'm one of those instant gratification people. Red is the color of passion and thus I pursue things at high speed. yes, uhm, that's me. To a tee.

Sweet Center prefers blue, which is the color of charm and clarity. Well, I do say, he is charming! And the ability to space out. Yes, he is definitely able to do that.

Sir Toots likes orange, the color of emotional responses, and inner magnetism. Have you ever seen him make that face? The face that tells you exactly how he feels? Yes, well, he is definitely emo driven and has no problem drawing people in.

Hubba Hubba is such a stinker that his favorite color is black. For crying out loud, you ask, what does that mean? Well, it showcases a persons preference to hold back information. To stay mysterious. Hello! When did they meet Hubba Hubba? This man can go for days without sharing information. I have to use the same tricks on him that I use on The Boys to find out how his day was.

So, what about you? Follow the link and then let us know about your favorite color and what it says about you.

Tag!

2007-02-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

The Flu is playing tag in our house. Currently it's my turn. Hubba Hubba spent the weekend in bad with it and that's not really any fun at all. We had gorgeous weather and he missed Sir Toots' soccer game. So, yea he was really sick. I woke this morning with the aches and chills. I've currently slept all day and now have that woozy head that accompanies the flu. The doc we went to this weekend for Hubba Hubba said that it's flying all over the city and he's seen about 40+ patients this weekend alone with the flu. Well, gripey....let's get it over with already. I thought I had escaped it's evil clutches, but alas, here it is.

The bummer is that I was really starting to feel really good. My other meds were beginning to work and I was up on some really good leads with work. Ah, a few days in bed never killled a career. :)

I would like to say that I appreciate the support and emails that I have received regarding my decision to go back on meds. My initial hesitation was due to my last treatment. I ended up a victim of the Black Box warning and spent 24 hours in a nutward on suicide watch because the reaction to my high dose was so bad. Fortunately I was able to lean on some really strong people and got the support I needed to make it through. The best treatment for my symptons (Anxiety attacks and depression) is serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SSNRI), which is what I was on previously. My current doc recommended a small dose and said that he would monitor me every 2-3 weeks.

I can't deny I need the help, I just want to make sure that Hubba Hubba has a wife and The Boys have a mother for a long time. But, I will admit that I want to feel sane while being here. So, meds it is. With a little Diet Coke, I should fine.

Political Post

2007-02-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

Just a fair warning for my right leaning readers.....
I know that GWB is seen by some as the second coming and my, don't we all really like him because, he is after all, a christian?!?
I'm not slamming the person, I'm slamming the policies and the repurcussions of those policies that have entrenched us so deeply in another country that no one seems to know what we should do next. What kind of world our we building for our children?

Well, I would just like to request your perusal of the following site. This is a very important issue. It's a link to the National Religious Campaign Against Torture Which essentially just means that we as citizens have to request that our politicians step up to the plate and actually abide by the Constitution and The Geneva Convention.

Please add your name to this vital campaign. The world really does NOT need to see the USA involved in another Abu Ghraib. Our reputation as a leader in human rights has already been tarnished. It is time for the people of this country to show the world that we are NOT okay with the decisions being vetted out of the White House.

and if you are interested in some amazing commentary on the web I would like to recommend Andrew Sullivan's blog. He is an amazing voice sharing stories and thoughts that help us all realize that we must pay attention. We don't have to get on a bus and drive to Washington to burn bras, but we have to be informed. Because it's true, 'If you aren't mad then you aren't paying attention.'

_________________________
on a personal note, I have again started some kind of medication to assist me in balancing out my moods. This one appears to be working already. Sweet Center was quite exuberant with his hugs and kisses this morning. Evidently I am a much better and more patient mother on some sort of drug. After a bit of struggle and resistance to doing meds again, I have decided that I'm okay with it. If he keeps up the hugs, I'll do whatever it takes for however long it takes. :)
Besides, it kinda makes me feel feisty again.

balance

2007-02-21T10:29:00.000-08:00

Sir Toots' fever broke yesterday early morning so he spent the day half on the couch and half in my office wanting to help me work. How do you explain that as cute as you are, it's probably not going to get me to the finish line any faster?

But, the dagger was truly thrown this morning. He was much better and no longer contagious so he really needed to get back to school. Friends, learning and all that important stuff. Plus, you know, Mama's gotta work. So, I'm' helping him get dressed in his uniform and he looks at me dead in the eye and says, " I hate school. It's too long." and then begins to cry. Now, this wouldn't be earth shattering news if I hadn't recently started to struggle with my mommy guilt over leaving him in daycare until around 5p everyday. I'm home and so I think I should be picking The Boys up around 3p. Only problem is that I really do have to work. And I can't talk on the phone if they are running around screaming. I tried it. Once. That was enough to convince that 5p really isn't that late. But then I get to thinking how that's like 9 hours. A super long time if your 4 and not feeling in tip top shape.

So, I promised I would pick him up early. No, not nap time early. But definitely before the usual time. Now, I just have to figure out how to get work done. :)

basketball, old dragons and fevers

2007-02-19T06:52:00.000-08:00

The good news is that Sweet Center's team won their first game! Unfortunately Sir Toots and I had to leave at halftime so that I could get him to his soccer game (which they lost by a mind numbing score of 26-0 but fortunately it didn't matter because at this age it really is about having fun and they definitely had fun!) so we missed the big win. But we wrapped everything up and made it in time for the Championship Game! It was amazing! and so fun to see the boys play so hard. Ultimately they lost, but the progess they made this past season is truly phenomenal. Sweet Center had a blast and really didn't care that they lost, he was just excited that they made it to the final game! And really in the end, that's what matters. :)

So, The Boys have the greatest Auntie Zeus and they got Valentine's Day boxes. Sir Toots got a dragon book with knights and 3D pictures and everything! He's in heaven and really we haven't gone anywhere this past week without this big red book. So last night, Hubba Hubba and I were sleeping a pleasant sleep when I suddenly feel this immense heat and then get a really good corner of a book up my nose. The heat was coming off of Sir Toots in waves. 103 fever at 3am is not really a great way to start the week. We ran a bath and got him calmed down. Then plugged in the humidifier and turned off the lights. But, they had to go back on so that we could read about dragons one more time. How do you deny a kid when the sounds coming out of his mouth make you think that he traded voiceboxes with a frog in a dark alley and he really got the raw end of the deal? You don't. You read all about 3 and 4 headed dragons. Again. And then you laugh when you get to the picture of the really old dragon with wrinkly skin, hunched back and a unbelievable case of gout on his face.

At least that's what we do when Sir Toots gets a bad case of the flu.
Happy week to you!

Whirlwind!

2007-02-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

This is it! The playoffs are today! And Sir Toots starts spring soccer! We havn't quite figured out how to be in two places at once yet. We keep hoping that the miracle of science will come through at the last minute and give us an ingenious way to clone ourselves so that we can be at a (very important) basketball game at 2p and then (the first of the season) soccer game at 3p on the other side of town.

If you hear of anything, please let us know. :)

Have a great day! The weather has finally warmed up around here and it's a gorgeous 60 outside.
Sorry, didn't mean to rub that in for those of you still buried under record amounts of snow.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2007-02-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

okay, they really are serious

2007-02-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

about this whole playoff basket ball thing. I received this email from the Head Coach of Sweet Center's basketball team today:
_____________________________
Below are a couple suggestions for the boys to make sure they are ready to play this weekend. Obviously its your call, but it would help the team if they were put into effect.

1. No sleepovers Friday night so they can get normal sleep
2. No carbonated drinks this week
3. Keep them hydrated with water leading up to the game - starting at least mid week
4. A big breakfast on Saturday morning with some good complex carbs and protein
____________________________

Yes, really. He's serious! and this is after the previous email I received from one of the Asst Coaches regarding the importance of washing their hands and staying germ free this week so that they can perform at their optimal level on Saturday. I'm not sure that we're up for this level of competitiveness. Yes, I love to watch them win, but really can we please keep it in perspective here? This is a team of 8 and 9 year olds! We're just as happy if they perform well, have fun, and then still end up losing. :)

Just like me....

2007-02-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

only smaller and with a wee-wee.
Sweet Center is home today sick with what we currently believe is strep throat. Or as he calls it 'Stray Throat'- like the sucker just wandered into our house and planted itself onto his body. We shall know for sure this afternoon when we go see the pediatrician.

As for now, he's doing my two of my favorite things: laying on the couch and watching ESPN.

Later he says he wants to watch Star Wars, Episode III. I really can't take credit for that one. I lay the blame at the feet of Hubba Hubba regarding Star Wars. That's all his fault.

But the fact that the kid gets a kick out of watching the NFL skills challenge from the Pro Bowl Week in Hawaii? Yea, that one's all mine.

****Update****
No strep throat. Just a nasty cold that's giving him fits. I was worried about the Stray Throat thing invading our house. He's not a pleasant houseguest. :)

Click and Vote!!

2007-02-10T18:54:00.000-08:00

Dream Vacation Contest

for my SILs photo! She has a chance at a dream vacation with this fabulous photo. It's a beautiful night by the water that you can only see in Wisconsin.

Go celebrate her Good Eye by clicking and voting!!

Wee-wees and Vajayjays

2007-02-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

Sir Toots has finally realized that Mama is a girl and this means that I have different parts then he does.
Hubba Hubba bought me this great wrap to wear after the shower. It's especially helpful since the bathroom door can't seem to stay closed in the morning. It's like we all must get dressed in the exact same room! 3300+ sq feet in this house and The Boys have to be in our 12X10 bathroom every morning.

Yesterday when I squeezed into our room for a bit of privacy Sir Toots followed me. As I struggle to put on undies with my wrap on he leans over and scrunches up his face. The exact words out of his mouth were, "You don't have a wee-wee. What do you use?" Like I'm defective or something. Well, the only words I could get out were,"well, Mama has a vajayjay and so I don't need a wee-wee." This works for a bit and then he says," but how does that work for you?"

Well, heck. I know I'm supposed to use the real techincal term and so I sit down and tell him that Mama has a 'vagina' and that means I'm a girl. He's starting to understand but is still a little confused. As he looks at me his eyes wander down and the next question out of his mouth is,"What are those things? Daddy and I don't have circles like you."

Yes, ladies and gentleman, the child is turning into a regular Sherlock Holmes seeking out answers to the toughest questions. I add that my breasts (man, I so wanted to call 'em boobs!) are another thing that girls have that boys don't. and then quickly squirm away back into the bathroom.

Well, damn, he follows me....and asks what "those" are for. Hubba Hubba looks at me out of the corner of his eye while he quietly irons his shirt and waits for my answer. Did the man offer to assist? Did he step in and help me gain a little dignity? No, sir, he did not! He stood there with a gleam in his eye and michevious grin on his face waiting for the words of wisdom that I'm supposed to dish up while half dressed and barely awake. So I'm out here on my own with this one and so I tell Sir Toots that breasts are for feeding babies. This works until he wants to touch them. He reaches over and gives me a really good feeling-up! OOOhhhhh, now I'm totally so done with this conversation. I look at him and tell him, "Girls have vajayjays and boys have wee-wees. It's different parts for each but they do the same thing, like help us go potty."

Luckily this answer works for him. He steps away from me and picks up Baby Jaguar and starts to put on his underwear. He turns and looks at me. With his wee-wee hanging out he says, "Look at my boy wee-wee! Mama doesn't have one!" Evidently this makes him superior to girls.

Boy, do I have my work cut out for me.

The 24 hours that almost broke it all

2007-02-08T08:11:00.000-08:00

4 years into this grand adventure I woke up and realized that I didn't really know the man sleeping next to me. Sure, he was still good looking and great at playing with Sweet Center, but we were friends who didn't talk anymore. I had no idea what projects he was working on that kept him at work until 8p and he had no idea I was going to all those lunch hour movies when I was supposed to be at work. It was a strange time for us, I knew that what we had wasn't an ideal marriage, but like most people who experience it, the void between us just happened. It appeared and slowly there was nothing there but lingering love and a wish for what we could be. What we had promised each other we would be.

So, that day I thought a change was in order. There was a fall festival at Sweet Center's preschool. Total family night and I thought it would be fun for us to all go together. Well, Hubba Hubba had other plans. I did some digging and find out that his plans involved video games with coworkers after hours. In the office, like the last several months. No projects, just fun and games with people who didn't have the same responsibilities that he did. Freedom is a nice thing at 24. I know because I was experiencing my own version through a few friends at work. My fun just happened during the day so Hubba Hubba didn't notice as much. Somehow in my mind his refusal to go the fall festival was a huge dissapointment. I didn't communicate to him the importance of the evening. I knew it was time for us to reconnect and have fun together. I just hadn't shared it with him because I was too busy gritchin' about it to other people.

When I picked Sweet Center up from preschool I saw all the decorations up for the festival and started to get really upset about the whole thing. From the moment we turned away from each other all the way right up to the current moment, I was just sick. What I really hadn't talked about with Hubba Hubba is that fact that I felt like I was doing all the work and really serving the role of solo parent. He was having his fun after hours when we were supposed to be a family and I was starting to simmer about it. I didn't consider that perhaps I had driven him to this by my inattention, all I knew is that I was really pissed. I certainly didn't consider that I was having the same fun, just during the day. In that moment all I thought was that I was the one picking up Sweet Center and I was the making his dinner and getting him ready for bed. Alone.

I packed a few things and loaded up Sweet Center to stay at my mother's house. I figured if I was going to go it alone, I should really be alone. Why have someone else around just for dissapointments sake? I was a modern women with a good job who was close to finishing my degree, I could handle this. Isn't that it's all about? Being able to make the tough decisions that work best for me and my child?

Hubba Hubba comes home just as I'm pulling out and wants to know what we're doing. So, I get out of the car, take Sweet Center inside and then tell him. and he's furious. Who the hell am I take his child away without telling him? Tell you? How can I tell you anything when you aren't here? Well, maybe if you'd pretend to care it wouldn't be like this. Hmmm, I thought caring meant actually be involved in someone's life.

You get the picture. Not pretty. So I went in and packed up Sweet Center again and we left for my mother's. On the drive over there I realized that the heated discussion forced us to say things that we hadn't communicated before and gave us the chance to really be heard. So after Sweet Center went to bed I called an old friend. The one friend who witnessed our entire relationship and understood the little quirks. He told me that he had talked to Hubaa Hubba and knew that I had left. And he just listened. and listened some more. He offered words of encouragement, the type that a man offers when he feels sucked into a vortex and isn't sure that he's going to get out. And then asked me to breakfast the next morning.

That night I held onto Sweet Center and listened to him breathe in his little boy sleep. I didn't want to raise him alone. I wanted the relationship Hubba Hubba and I had promised each other. I wanted Sweet Center to have a mom and dad who loved and communicated even when it was hard so that it would work. I wanted him to know that people give a little and receive a lot in return in this thing called happily ever after.

So I get to breakfast the next morning at 10 and talk some more. This fabulous friend just continued to listen. oh, and he stole a glance or two at his watch. and then I knew why. Hubba Hubba walked in at 10:30. He walked right over and sat down like he was supposed to be there. Our dear sweet friend lays down his money and walks out the door. So it was just us. Staring at each other. And then I started to cry.

I told him that I wasn't going to sacrifice in my marriage. I wanted to be with someone who listened and helped and was there when I needed him. I wanted to be that wife, the one that all the other guys wished they were married to who actually made her husband's life better. I didn't want to be a nag but I wasn't going to compromise. I knew it was tough and I knew the chances were pretty slim that we would actually enjoy being an old married couple, but dammit, we had promised each other. and we had promised again when Sweet Center was born. I wanted him to know that love was more than just a four letter thrown around on Valentine's Day. Hubba Hubba listened and reached his hand across the table. He slowly said the words that would change the entire direction of our marriage, "I want that too, but how do we do it?"

I knew that our road back wasn't going to be easy and we spent more than a fair share of money on a therapist so that we could learn to communicate but it has been worth it. All ten years have been worth it.

I can honestly say that I'm married to a wonderful man who stepped up to the plate when many men would have run the other way. and he held onto me when I wasn't worth holding onto. The tough decisions we make are what actually show who we are and what we want out of life. and marriage.

ever thine.
ever mine.
ever ours.

Matt and Rachel
February 8, 1997

true wuv

2007-02-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

Exhange with Sir Toots:

Me: "I love you!"

Sir Toots: "No, I wuv you!"

"No, I love you!!"

"NO! I wuv you, wots!"

"No, I love YOU, lots!"

"No, I wuv you to hundred!"

"Really? A hundred? That's alot, honey!"

"Well, I wuv you to 40!"

Colts Win! and Sweet Center explores the WWW

2007-02-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

YEA COLTS! Superbowl 41 was totally awesome! The Boys got their Colts shirts and were all revved up for the game. Man, it was fun!
Okay, now that that's out of the way....
I totally cannot get my mind around Sweet Center being on the internet. He has to do some homework and state test prep, so I get the need for school stuff. But he likes going to another site where there are other children his age. It's very cool and there are lots of things to do.....but, I worry about the freaks out there. Hubba Hubba and I talked to him about "the ugly on the inside people" and how they might ask him personal information. He knows not to share his name, location and other vital stats. I just struggle with those people who are out there for the sole purpose of talking to boys his age. It totally creeps me to think about some jerko getting his kicks talking to a 9 year old kid. I know we have to be vigilant and stay on top of where he's going and truthfully I would rather he be on my mac since it's wireless and he can sit at the kitchen table and I can see him.

When I was a kid (yea, that makes me sound OLD and it totally sounds all freaky mommish) we didn't have this worry. On top of everything else, there's this. We have parental controls in place and filters galore, but it was so much easier when his biggest concern was making sure he could find his scooter so I could watch him play with the neighborhood kids. Refferering over a favorite toy or a basketball game was SOO easy. I wish I had appreciated it more. Now, now, comes the hard part.

Snow!

2007-02-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

The flakes were those big-melt-on-your-tongue-ones that were just begging to be played with:

Sweet Center is playing with this beachball to improve his mad basketball passing skillz!
And immediately after this picture was taken I took Sir Toots inside and put a scarf on him. I also wrestled him down so that I could zip up the very cool Harley (read: leather motorcycle) jacket.
No children were harmed in the making of this picture :)

Special Contribution

2007-01-31T19:04:00.000-08:00

Love this!

Hubba Hubba's sister created it in homage to our wedding march- The Star Wars Theme Song. No, not the Darth Vader song. This is the "real" theme song.

I look over at the man I've just promised to spend the rest of my life with and he's signaling to his buddies in the back of the chapel. I'm trying to figure out what's going on and as we're introduced as 'Mr. and Mrs. DeRusha' the freackin' Star Wars theme song comes on.

Now really, how could we not succeed after a beginning like that?

BTW, I believe the X is for 10 not because we're x rated or anything. But, if it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck....

Wow- Hubba Hubba has a big head

2007-01-31T15:10:00.001-08:00

oh, did I just write that? Damn, I meant to say he has big toes. I think it's the Bond in him. Anyway, I was just on my fabulous sister in law's site and she has the picture up of Hubba Hubba and I. His head looks huge next to mine! It's the same picture I have on this blog, but I never noticed the circumference ratio before. I look like this sweet petite thing and truly that's a stretch. There's no truth in advertising 'round these parts! Maybe that's why I like the picture. That or the fact that we are both looking in the same direction. :)
As for Hubba Hubba, I don't think he can take a bad picture. Never in 12 years have I seen that man look horrendous when the camera captures him. Damn! That's what ticks me off about him. He's very pretty. But, really I do like it.

And? He's lucky. I mean like super freakin' lucky. I like that, too because I get to be a beneficiary of his luckiness. Like when the company he was working for just shut down his department down one day. That sucker had a great new job within a week! A week, I tell you! That's not normal!

Plus! He really he can't find clothes that don't look good on him. That is so irritating! I can't find decent jeans to save my soul and he has like 4 pairs that actually do justice to his backside.

Anyway, I figure he's a good catch. Even with his big head.

***Yes, that's a blatant plug on my SILs site. It's very good and you should check it out. Although, I think we have the same readership. but, if not....check it out. It's fun and free.
And if you have come here from her site, please just know that the philosophy behind this blog is that there really isn't one. It's pretty random stuff that I put out here, but you are welcome to comment and share your own thoughts. I babble about The Boys, Hubba Hubba and other things that pertain to us. Perhaps you will enjoy peering into our life.

Neat Site

2007-01-30T08:16:00.000-08:00

http://www.imagechef.com

One of these days I'm actually going to get my interactive guru man to show me how to create links. I can manage pictures though, so that's something. Anyway, this site gives you a template and then you just drop in your name or message and you get this great little design.

Here's an example of something I whipped up:

How cute is that?
Go on, go out and play. It'll be good for you!

6 points and 3 rebounds

2007-01-29T15:26:00.000-08:00

I have to give a quick shout out to Sweet Center and his basketball team, the Spurs. His team played their collective hearts out this weekend and they lost their basketball game in overtime to the #1 ranked team in our division. It was a hell of a sight to see him producing on both ends of the court! I missed seeing his two free throws, but it was the amazing thing to see a group of 8 and 9 year olds get their adrenaline on and push themselves beyond what they ever thought possible. Our coach this season has been hell bent on teaching them some solid fundamentals and creating a real team. So far it's worked amazingly well.

Look our Fury, we're coming after you in the finals! No referee is going to steal the second game from us, no matter who your coach is. :)

9 years 354 days and counting....

2007-01-29T14:58:00.000-08:00

Our 10th anniversary is almost here. No, I'm not getting my big ole' fat party (remember, I did just quit my job) and so we have reached a compromise. We are putting a cd together. Like you used to do in high school when you had a mad crush on the boy in your math class and you just couldn't bear to be rejected and so all that teenage angst was put to use by making a mixed tape. Oh, wait, was that just me?
Anyway, Hubba Hubba and I are trying to create an album that encapsulates our relationship. I called dibs on Maddona "Like a Virgin" and Hubba Hubba told me that he wasn't sure that would spell love to people who will get the album, you know, like his mother. Damn, honey, we played that song at our wedding. He looked me and said, "yes, well, we didn't think you would still be around so it was okay to let you have a little fun then." I'm kidding, he didn't really say that. But, some of the people at our wedding thought it. Fortunately we've weathered a lot the last 10 years and we still get crazy mad googly eyes with each other. And I still insist on being his first kiss when he comes home in the evening. Don't laugh, I've had to shove children out of the way to make this happen some days!
Anyway, I know that several of you read this blog and don't comment, but I would so appreciate any ideas, thoughts, suggestions on songs that you think we should include on this album. We want to mail them out next weekend so that they actually arrive before our anniversary. So, please leave a comment or drop me an email (mrsderusha@gmail.com) if you have a suggestion. Or even a silly story to share that somehow involves us within the last 12 years because I need inspiration for the artwork that will accompany said album.

By the way, we had our preanniversary dinner this past weekend and had so much fun talking about how important many of you have been to us on this journey. We've had many good memories over the years and I'm not sure that just mailing you a cd will allow you to get that, but it's cheaper than a party and so it will have to do for now. :)

Toxic

2007-01-25T20:00:00.000-08:00

Driving in the car today I heard the Britney song "Toxic" (yes, dear Internet, this means I need new music, I know this!) and I got to thinking about people in our lives that are toxic. Like the mom who recently shamed Sweet Center and others like her who feel the need to impose their negative outlook on our lives.

Because I love Google, I went straight to the source to ferret out solutions for dealing with toxic people and landed at so many sites that have various suggestions and solutions for dealing with these people that I just gave up trying to capture a picture or definition of this particular type of person. I figure that I know it when I see and experience it. And Hubba Hubba is really good at laying down the boundaries and saying NO when somebody is out of whack. He's really good at this, in fact. And he doesn't have the girly hang ups that I do. I worry that someone will get mad at me and how I will interact with them. He looks at me with that totally impatient look he only pulls out when I'm being an ass and says,"They're gonna be mad at you anyway, why let them control you?"

If you know me at all then you know I work to overcome my "foot in mouth syndrome" on a daily basis. This is the ability I have perfected to just spurt out whatever comes to mind. As I've gotten older I have really learned to question my motives for just saying whatever. I'm learning and getting better at reining myself in. Usually. Unfortunately I still have the tendency and it's hard to overcome sometimes. Like the other day, I felt it necessary to stand up for my sister. Well, yes she is a grown woman, and yes she is the oldest, but she's so darn nice that she doesn't always get what she wants because she's worried about hurting someone's feelings. I shoot first and then think about the other person. Does this make me a toxic person? I desperately hope not. And I know that this is in direct conflict with my fear that people will get mad at me. But, I'm beginning to think that maybe it isn't at all. Perhaps my fear of others anger is a result of opening my mouth for so many years and the fallout that inevitably resulted.

But, I'm learning. I'm learning about myself and learning that my past behaviors can't control today. And, as Hubba Hubba would asks why should it control me?

Why indeed?

Thursday Thirteen

2007-01-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

13 Things I love about my new job:

13: No commute or spending all day in the car
12: I can go work out after The Boys are at school or on my midday break and no one cares
11: Being able to listen to The Ticket on the radio- funny sports channel that entertains and informs- all day (This is different then my New Year's resolution b/c this is funny stuff!)
10: Knowing that if I want to get paid, I have to work- this means that I get paid for what I accomplish, not just what some random computer program decides to dispense to me for my bonus.
9: Lunching with girlfriends whenever they have the time- my schedule no matter rules since I won't be on the other side of town when they are available.
8: Not wearing a suit! and the dry cleaning bill drops by half!
7: Being able to go to the grocery store in the middle of the day and thus not having to worry about crowds and yelling children
6: Walking to lunch in the other room
5: Knowing that I can pick up The Boys at 4pm and that my work day is done- if I want it to be
4: Petting Pep as I talk on the phone
3: Learning something new
2: It's not in healthcare!
1: The joy that comes from jumping off the cliff and knowing that it will only work if I work it!