still struggling

Today I received 3 calls from the school. Sir Toots is still struggling with this thing we call kindergarten. I have no idea what to do at this point. He's lost privileges and he says he understands...but clearly he doesn't. They want to do this Scared Straight thing and take him on a tour of the school for troubled kids here in the district. I'm not quite sure this will help him. I don't think that at 5 he will understand why he's there. and truthfully, I don't want it to backfire and have him WANT to go there.

My friend, who's a special ed teacher, thinks that this is a terrible idea. She is going to bring me some Behavior Charts from her school. Not the ones they use on the crazies...just the normal ones. I'm going to make a case that we need to try some real positive enforcement and see what that gets us.

Fortunately, Sweet Center is still the model of a perfect student. :) His Cub Scout Pinewood Derby is this weekend. He and Hubba Hubba have been working feverishly on this little car. You'd think it was going to be an Indy 500 Car. I love to watch them work on it. The fumes of the paint alone are enough to keep me out of range...but they are having so much fun! I promise to get pictures of the race and post them for everyone.



By the way, as part of my New Year's Revolution to enjoy my life more, I have started a Glog (a gratitude blog) and if you are at all interested in the menial things that make me smile...feel free to check it out here. I have been made fun of for this...so please spare me the witty barbs. You don't have to click it...I just like actually putting it down when something happens that makes me appreciate this life I live, breath, and love everyday.

Travels

When Mama travels, she falls off the blogging wagon. Sorry for not keeping ya'll updated on The Boys. They are being really good for Hubba Hubba and behaving themselves while I'm away training. Last week San Antonio and this week St. Louis.

Sir Toots was like a suction cup this past weekend and didn't want to let me out of his sight. Sweet Center is so "whatever..you're home...that's nice...fix me some food."

Now, I'm gone again and though I just left this morning, I'm ready to be home with my men. I finished laundry in time to catch my flight and I was off again!

I'll be back with pictures and such soon.

New Year's Revolution

The only thing that I really, really want to do this year is:

ENJOY LIFE MORE!!

yes, I'll stay on my meds (Hubba Hubba will appreciate this, I'm sure) and I'll still do the laundry and make sure that there are clean bowls in the cupboard for breakfast, but I want to do it with a spirit that sees the enjoyment in the actual act of living.

Please don't think that hoakey. I have really begun to see how precious my life is and short of rolling around in the green grass of goodness that I have so undeservedly been given, I can try and appreciate it spiritually, mentally, and physically.

So, see the irony there? Something that seems so small, really isn't.


Happy New Year to you and yours!

Flickr

I have a ton to learn about this wacky internet thing....but I managed to upload some Christmas pictures:

Check them out here!

and I've added a button on the right that lets you get there anytime you wish!

The Attempt

We tried to take pictures of The Boys for Christmas. Here's what happened:





and after several tries, here's how impatient they got:




If we promised you pictures for Christmas, please bear with us....They will be coming in the New Year. From a professional photographer.

Good News!

I have a job! Well, technically I start my job on Jan 7th. I'm really excited about it! I'll be working with 6 clinics in North Texas that provide services to amputees and others who need prosthetics. My technical title is Business Development Manager- fancy, huh? Really it just means that day to day I will be working with the Practice Managers and physicians to increase business. It will be very cool and I think, more importantly, that it will be a job that makes a difference to people. I will be working closely with new amputees and getting them the assistance and services that they need.

Personally, it means that I will in a challenging environment and I'm looking forward to that after this past year. I'm so ready to say good-bye to 2007! Good things happened and yet there were limits on what we were able to do as a family because of the time I spent soul-searching for a career that would allow me to use my health care knowledge and still feel like I was making a difference. I have done so many personality profiles and spent so much time pondering different avenues of work, that I'm sick of myself and being inside my own head.

I can't say 07 was a total waste for me. I started to practice meditation and I studied Buddhism. I read some of the Dalai Lama's teachings and learned that ultimately I have to learn to live a balance between my religious upbringing and what I believe today. It's not the same, nor is it so different that I am willing to convert to a new religion. I'm still intrigued by the possibility of studying a balance between zazen zen and christianity. This may seem a contradiction since the purpose of zazen is to reach a Buddha state, but I believe there are nuggets in all manifestations that will serve me well in this life to ultimately live in service for others.

I'm trying to teach Sweet Center how to spend a little time each day in meditation. I didn't make a big announcement about it, but Hubba Hubba and I decided to take him off his ADHD medication over the Thanksgiving break for a little while. He's been on some form of medication since he was 5 years old and we thought it would be worthwhile to see how he was without for a few days when he would just be home with us. I have to say that the past month has been wonderful for him. His personality is really starting to POP! and he's not having any issues at school that are outside the norm for a 10 year-old boy. We're teaching him to recognize when he's getting amped up and some basic self-control techniques to pull him back down from hyperactivity. It appears to be working. I learned a few things from the shrink that I met with about Sir Toots. He told me it was okay to give kids a break from medication and allow them to fully experience the range and intensity of their emotions. Hubba Hubba and I just wanted to make sure that Sweet Center just knew how to self-moderate so he wouldn't get in trouble at school or playing with friends. I still can't take them both to the grocery store, but what mother really can take 2 kids into a place that is supposed to overload your senses and hope to come out sane?

As for Sir Toots, we are holding off on making any decisions until later in 2008. I want to get him through kindergarten and then look at his behaviors. He's actually doing quite well right now, so I will keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best when they return to school in January. We have some date nights planned and I so hope that the one-on-one times will help both of The Boys. He's still learning what' acceptable behavior in school so I think cutting him a little slack isn't such a bad idea.

Hubba Hubba and I are planning a get away to our favorite city, San Antonio, for sometime in late February. I have to do quite a bit of travel in January for my new job, and it just makes sense to plan something now for our anniversary. 11 years. How many of you can believe that?!?

2007 taught me many things, but ultimately I learned that no matter what I do or how hair brained an idea I cook up, I will always have the love of Hubba Hubba to catch me when I fall or fly. There's no better lesson learned than that.

Say You Want a Revolution...Yeah Yeah....

Talking with Sweet Center about the upcoming New Year. The usual stuff about making positive changes and what kind of things we can do for 2008.

Sweet Center:"Let's make a New Year's Revolution to take a lunch to school every day, except Fridays because that's when they have square pizza."

Me: "A Revolution, huh?"

Sweet Center: "Yea, ya know....a real revolution that we can keep."

well, hello there gorgeous.... come here often?

yes, I'm totally slacking on keeping everyone updated on our household. But, I must admit that I am finding my time away from the computer very fun. I have really learned to throw a pass perfectly to Sweet Center. I'm thinking of changing his name to Sweet Hands. He's that good of receiver. Also, I've been talking with Sir Toot's teacher about his howling. Yes, howling. Our devilish little one has started to amuse himself in the restroom by howling. Evidently while, ahhem, taking care of business, he gets bored. And not having a book around to occupy his mind, he has taken to howling in the hallowed kindergarten communal potty. (Sorry, that was just a fun sentence to write!) Anyway, we discussed this and he has agreed to maybe work on his numbers or ABC's quietly instead of attracting the attention of the entire pod community.

As for my job search...things are well. It's less than 3 weeks until Christmas and I could possibly get my wish! I have a very important interview next week!! And I have a second interview for something that looks really interesting. Both could be challenging in their own unique ways. Hubba Hubba and I are talking about options and what we think of both things. I know what would be best long term for us and so I have a leaning , but I will focus on the positive and appreciate where I am right now. It's been almost an entire year since I was employed at what Hubba Hubba refers to as a "real job" and so I'm looking forward to it!

I must say, I'm so blessed with my ole' man. When we talked the other night and started parsing out each opportunity, he wasn't concerned that one didn't pay as much as the other. No siree...Hubba Hubba looked me right in the eye and asked, "Okay, but which would you enjoy more? I want you to do something that means more to you." Now folks, this man hasn't seen a real paycheck from me in neigh' on 11 months, and he isn't concerned about me just taking any ole' job. He wants me to take the one that I will enjoy. Regardless of the money. Could I get an "Amen" for that classy show of support?

And the country twang is gone and we are backed to my usual breathless ramblings....Please don't think that I'm counting any chickens before they hatch. I know I could go on each of these upcoming interviews and totally burp and fart my way through. But, I know that something good is coming. So, I'm going to keep believing and studying and prepping until I get an offer letter. :)

Now, I have had a few of you ask about my teaching plans. Well, I should say that I decided there wasn't really a reason for us to shell out 40 grand to work on my master's and then graduate to make 40 grand a year. But really, my time at the preschool taught me that I don't want to be locked in a room with 21 children all day unable to go to the bathroom whenever I wanted.

I have found something to do that will enable me to still work with kiddos and be involved with The Boys. When I signed up Sweet Center back in October for Boy Scouts, I filled out the form for Adult Volunteers. I assumed that I needed to fill it out if I planned on going on any camping trips or whatnot. Evidently you only fill out the VOLUNTEER form if you plan on volunteering to actively participate in the Pack. Hmm...who knew? Anyway, I was put on the committee and have been participating in the routine stuff. I have loved it! Not the uniform, though. I have resisted that with every fiber of my being! Have you seen the thing? It's really not my style. Anyway, the big ticket to all this is that Sweet Center has enjoyed me doing this with him. So the Cubmaster of his Pack has asked me to serve as Committee Chairperson. I'm going to meet with her next week to discuss the role and responsibilities in more detail. It's a huge undertaking, but it really will be fun to be this involved with something that Sweet Center so enjoys. Really, I don't have that much time before he's done with totally wanting to spend time with me. I have to jump at the chance while I can! And next year, Sir Toots can join us. By then, I will probably have a uniform, too. But, I swear I'm wearing some little camo cargo capris or something. I can't do the officially sanctioned pants. *shudder*

Okay, I think that's it. If you are still with me on this rambling episode, thanks for taking the time! :)

Sir Toot's brain

Today after a difficult afternoon, Sir Toot's look at me and says, "It's just my brain. It forgets to rewind itself and I lose my place."
I think this a great summation of ADHD and what we live with everyday. Turns out his teacher has 2 boys with ADHD and so she is well aware of his struggles to stay in his seat and complete his work. I like that she doesn't blame him and make him feel bad about himself- it's his brain that causing all the problems really. It's so important that he continue to think he's the greatest kid since sliced bread!

Anyway, I met with the psychologist yesterday and I have to be honest...my first thought was I ended up in Andre the Giant's office. Once I got over my shock, I found him to be a very nice man. Dr. Mac made a reference to a book series that I love (the Mitford series) and so I knew we would get along fine. He wants to meet Sir Toots next week and then we'll go from there. I just hope he doesn't scare the poor kid!

On the job search front: I am officially over my quarter life crisis and have entered the phase of reentering the workforce with the hopes that I haven't completely derailed my career. I miss the day to day challenges that come with a real job and I'm hoping that a few things I have in the pipeline will work out. I have some great support and know that something will hit that's right up my alley! Besides, Yvette, my psychic, says that there's something on the horizon for me that will use my skills but force me to learn something new. That's exactly what I'm looking for! Let's just hope it pays well. :) I'm believing in it and focusing on making it happen when the timing is right.


***WAIT!**** I just reread this and it totally sounds like I'm still stuck in some kind of crisis! Between the shrink and the psychic, I have crazy all wrapped up. :)

Today I am Thankful For....

1) A POSITIVE REFERRAL for Sir Toots! YEA!
2) A husband who is supportive and doesn't think I'm too nuts!
3) Boys who still love to wrestle and cuddle.
4) Friends who will help me move a couch just because I want a new look in the living room.
5) Unlimited Opportunities!
6) Friends who have great blogs to remind to stay focused on the good in this life.
7) Finding a psychologist for Sir Toots who doesn't want to slap a label on him UNTIL we have turned over every rock and looked at all the possibilities. We have a meeting with him next week and he wants to focus on behavior modification before we do anything related to ADHD. I'm not denying a problem....I just want to make sure that we are really looking at the big picture and not just looking for a quick fix.
8) Boys who make good choices.
9) Boys who don't complain (too much!) when they realize they made a bad choice.
10) The ability to recognize that The Boys need to make choices for themselves so that when they grow up they can make good choices without a lot of effort.

Humor in all things

oh yes, I forgot to mention that a hamster died. We figure old age.

Sweet Center: Well, at least he learned a new trick.
Me: What trick?
Sweet Center: He finally learned how to play dead.

Burial services tomorrow under the peach tree in the backyard.

Denial, Anger and moving towards Acceptance

I met with Sir Toot's kindergarten teacher yesterday and I'm still trying to process the fact that it appears we have another child with special needs. Yes, ADHD is called special needs because raising a child with this disorder is not like raising a "normal" child. Hubba Hubba and I have to focus on helping Sweet Center in different ways than other parents help their children. I was so hoping that Sir Toots would get the swing of things and move right into school with no issues. I wanted that so badly and was even going so far as to refuse to do any sort of evaluation on him when I continued to get calls from the school.

But, I had to stop and ask myself how that benefits him. Does my holding onto my perceived reality really mean everything is okay with him? What about the kids he's hitting and the property he is destroying at school? Don't I have a responsibility as his mother to see past my denial and accept that we need to do something different? Just because he doesn't act like Sweet Center doesn't mean anything. It just means that ADHD is manifesting differently in him.

And that's the rub. This complex and so easily dismissed disorder is not easy to define or categorize. "He's just all boy" & "It's cute how he stands up for himself" and my personal favorite "Don't worry, he's not like his brother" make me want to scream. Like not being like his brother is a good thing? What the hell is wrong with his brother?

I'm angry and disappointed that this is happening to my second child. I'm angry that I have to be different. I'm angry that it's not normal around our house. I'm angry that I can't just relax and let them coast for a while because there's always some new drama coming on. I'm angry that I can't take them to the grocery store without having to threaten them and then I feel like a bitch afterwards. It is different. Our life is different because of ADHD and I'm tired of being told that it's not that bad. I know that I have it easier than parents with "real disabled children." But dammit, it's not easy and I'm tired.

Tomorrow I will appreciate all the things that they do that are different and special and unique. Sweet Center is amazing with numbers and god, does he have an imagination. Sir Toots is my little no nonsense squirt who manages to get in the middle of everything. Tomorrow I promise that I will wake up and give them what they need so that we can clean their rooms. Step by step directions and simple tasks.

But today, today I'm tired. and sad. I'm sad that things won't always be easy for them. Both of them will have to learn coping skills above and beyond their peers. They have to teach themselves to stop and not act out in the moment.

Tomorrow I will hold Hubba Hubba's hand and hope that we are giving them what they need so that they don't become a statistic and do drugs or drop out of school or suffer from low self esteem.

I'm hoping that our love is enough to give them faith in themselves. Regardless of what some stupid evaluation tells me about My Boys.

Caller ID

is the worst invention ever. Shouldn't I be surprised when the school calls to tell me that Sir Toots has hit someone again? I mean, when I see the schools name pop up on my phone I know it can't be good news these days.

So, today I went down and talked with him. They pulled him out of class at noon and he had to sit outside the principals office until 3p working on schoolwork. I'm not sure how that's going to help him, but at least he's not near anyone to hit again. I'm at such a loss. I don't know what to do or say to him now. We had 2 good weeks and now it's starting again.

Conference with the school counselor tomorrow at 7:30 so I'll keep you updated.

How to Succeed

So, like I always do when I'm stumped or feeling at a loss, I googled. Today I googled "How to Succeed" in the little box and ever the helpful search engine that could, google recommended "How to Succeed in Life."

Why, yes, google...that's what I'm trying to do...But why do I keep failing? Why do I keep bumping into roadblocks that seem to set me on edge and send me crying for a dark corner and a fluffy comforter?

So, back to my search- here's the the main quote of an article titled the "The X Factor".
I read and I think it really hits the nail on the head:

"if you knew what you wanted and got clear about who you are and how your past experience could be harnessed for the good of mankind then would anything be able to stop you if you consistently applied yourself in that direction?"

So, now the next step is putting on foot in front of the other. Just a moment to collect myself, though. I need to make sure I'm clear on this....

Touched by a....

well, there's not really any nice way to say this....Sir Toots has issues with his poops. I got the word today that the tests are normal and he just has a bit of blockage that is causing the tummy problems.

So, off we go to Walgreen's to pick up one of those special medicines that goes in the special place. I wait for Hubba Hubba to come home and help me. No way am I doing this one by myself. :)

Sir Toots is quite apprehensive until Hubba Hubba tells him that he has medicine will make his tummy feel better. It just needs to "go into his butt." This comment elicits a chuckle from Sir Toots.

His reponse? "Yes, but the medicine is dirty. It's been touched by my poop."

and then he finishes with,"Can I please have my pants back? I need to eat dinner like a man."

Sugar Bugs

Sir Toots has stomach problems. He has been complaining about a vague ache for a while but there hasn't been any rhyme or reason to the pain so we've dealt with it and just tried to convince him to spend a bit more time on the potty.

Well, enough of the complaining and I finally convinced the great pediatrician to send us for some testing. Blood work and an xray are simple enough to do and will show if there's anything going on. Or if it's just Sir Toots trying to get out of school and chores.

So we head out on Friday for the blood work. At the lab he's in tears in the bathroom desperately trying to convince me that his pain isn't that bad and really, what's up with the needles? Are you kidding me, Mama? Real needles. I'm pulling every trick in the book out of my back pocket trying to convince him that it will be okay and we'll go to McDonald's when it's all over. There's a knock on the door and the kind lady who will be taking his blood walks in to talk to Sir Toots in a voice that I have already tried. Good luck, lady.

Dammit if she doesn't tell him that she's looking for Sugar Bugs and once she finds them she needs to take a few out so that we can do what the doctor wants. She totally found a way to make it sorta fun and keep us from being the bad guys at the same time. I get into the chair so he can sit in my lap and he crawls up. She gets out the dreaded needle and starts to clean off his arm and he squirms a bit. Noticing this, the nice lady tells him to focus on his Sugar Bugs and going to McDonald's. He tenses up and says okay. I prepare for the worst and take a deep breath.

She inserts her needle and he looks at me with tears in his eyes. And then starts to smile. "oh, that didn't hurt. Mama, I need a burger with cheese and two pickles."



By the way, we got the xray results back and there's nothing there but a little poop. Hopefully the blood work will be clean as well. I should know tomorrow.

What happens in Vegas....

So, Hubba Hubba is on a business trip to Vegas. The Boys wanted to sleep with me, so I tucked them in and headed back in to livingroom to enjoy a little quiet time. Just me, Al Micheals, and 60k fans enjoying the game from Philadelphia. I have a tendency to avoid going to bed when Hubba Hubba is gone because the bed just doesn't sleep the same way. It's like a pillowtop curse that must make me suffer for being alone.

So, I wake up on the couch with a throbbing in my ear and think that I must have "couch potato ear" from scrunching it up on a down pillow from the couch and not my nice fluffy pillow on the bed. I get up and push The Boys over so I have room to lay down and the pain won't go away. I lay there and my ear continues to throb. I can hear the band pulsing it's way through my middle ear and take a left turn deeper into my head.

Now I just finished a round of antibiotics for some random infection that caused my lymph nodes to swell up like a balloon. I shouldn't have anything wrong with me, but I do and I'm such a baby about it. Hubba Hubba won't be back until midnight on Weds.

I hope he's having fun in Vegas.

It starts at home...

Sir Toots spent the day playing with his girl-friend, little Miss Priss. I adore this girl and I would love it if they grew up and got married. She has fire and doesn't take any of his nonsense. When they play outside, she's always first to tell him that he's supposed to play nice and share. I love to listen to them upstairs in the toyroom when they don't know they are being spied on. He's bossy and she doesn't take it from him. When he won't share, she has this look with her huge brown eyes that she gives him. Works everytime. The dynamic that is shaping up between them so reminds me of my relationship with Hubba Hubba. Not that Hubba Hubba is one to get saucy, but just the way they interact showcases the difference between men & women.

So anyway, today I walk across the street to pick Sir Toots up and they shoot out the door to head to our house. Miss Priss's mother stops them and asks them to pick up their fort in the livingroom. I head in to wait for them and listen to them talk about who's picking up what. Sir Toots heads over in 30 seconds and says he's done. Miss Priss is still picking up & so I send him back in to help her.

He looks at me and says: "But, Mom! There's only two things left!"
My response: "Well, good. One thing for you and one thing for Miss Priss to put away."
Incredulous he shoots back: "Dude, she has two hands."

Oh yes, my Padawan, you are learning from The Master at home.

P:ositive Referral

We received a letter this week from one of Sweet Center's teachers

Student Name: Sweet Center
From: Teacher #2
Date: 9-11-07

The reason I received a positive referral is.....

Sweet Center has really blossomed since 1st grade and I am so impressed with his enthusiasm for learning. He is always ready to go and actively participating in all class activities and discussions. I love watching his excitement for learning come alive during math and science and am happy to see it spread to other students!
What I am most impressed by is Sweet Centers citizenship skills; especially respect and responsibility. He is really setting an excellent example for his peers. I am proud of Sweet Center and ecstatic to have him again in class.

How cool is that!? When they do the school assembly this morning (Friday) the assistant principal will read it out loud to the entire school! Sweet Center is so excited and I am so proud of him!

What a kid!

School

So, I get a call. From a teacher. At work. Evidently Sir Toots is not adjusting quite as well as we'd hoped. :) Dear Sweet Kindergarten Teacher called to let me know that Sir Toots had broken all the crawns (yea, we call them crawns and NOT cray-ons) at his table. For no reason he felt the need to pick them up one by one and break them in half as the other children stared on in horror. This act is, evidently, sacrilege in kindergarten and will not be suffered lightly.

He couldn't do this when crawns were still on sale, no siree. Sir Toots waited until they went up by a 1000% (from 20 cents to 2 bucks a pack) so that Mom & Dad would be forced to pony up the real cash for his transgressions. He worked for the money this weekend and off he went with two new packs this morning.

He's loving PE, though. So far, hands-down it's his favorite subject.

Sweet Center has picked right up where he left off last year; squirming his way into his teachers hearts. This year he has two teachers and lucky for us, one is the same teacher he had in 1st grade. She knows his quirks and how to work with him so he's having a ton of fun. His favorite subject so far is spending time in the library. I think he enjoys finding the biggest book he can possibly pick up- just to justify the freakin' huge roller backpack that he JUST HAD to have. For him, we poneyed up the cash to get him rolling from the get-go. He knows not to break anything because his budget is busted.

As for my class, I am enjoying trying to convince 21 four-year olds that they really need to stay in their seats so that we can practice the letter of the week. Again. I figure if I can teach them all to write their names and the days of the week (in order), then it will be a successful year. I'm earning less and enjoying my job more. I think it's a good trade-off to have energy for The Boys at the end of the day. :)

I do need help, dear Internet. Could you please check in with me randomly and ask about my grad school application? Since I'm going to a new school and a totally new program, I have to do the entire application process again. I got my test scores last week and they are where they need to be...I just hope that I can pull off the essay explanation for why I want to teach and yet have spent the last 10 years in the business of healthcare.




By the way, this is a confidential note to someone very special: Have you made your appointment yet? Times-a-ticking and working on your relationship should be the most important thing on your to-do list. Love you! :)