The Force

Please call George Lucas and let him know that The Force is running loose in our toy room.

Air hockey in our house can get a little fierce. Sir Toots and I were in the midst of an epic battle when I notice he's not sending the puck back to me. I look up at him and he's got this look of utter concentration on his face and his little hand is stretched out. The puck, meanwhile, is slowly turning under the air that is circulating on the surface just out of his reach. Sir Toots looks up at me and says, "I can't reach it. But I can use the force!"

And, lo, as it was spoken, the puck slowly rotates and glides within the reaches of his fingers.

The Jedi Master beamed!

Levity!

Yea! no fevers, chills or upchucking in the house! Well, except for Pep, and he's a dog so he's allowed to puke at random intervals and it doesn't mean he's sick. :) Everyone's off to school and work feeling as close to normal as they can after the sickness struggle from the last few weeks.

So, I bring you some fun for today's blogging pleasure: What's your favorite color?

See, the idea is that your favorite color tells something about your personality. Mine is red and I thought it was because I looked good in the hue. Actually it shows that I'm one of those instant gratification people. Red is the color of passion and thus I pursue things at high speed. yes, uhm, that's me. To a tee.

Sweet Center prefers blue, which is the color of charm and clarity. Well, I do say, he is charming! And the ability to space out. Yes, he is definitely able to do that.

Sir Toots likes orange, the color of emotional responses, and inner magnetism. Have you ever seen him make that face? The face that tells you exactly how he feels? Yes, well, he is definitely emo driven and has no problem drawing people in.

Hubba Hubba is such a stinker that his favorite color is black. For crying out loud, you ask, what does that mean? Well, it showcases a persons preference to hold back information. To stay mysterious. Hello! When did they meet Hubba Hubba? This man can go for days without sharing information. I have to use the same tricks on him that I use on The Boys to find out how his day was.

So, what about you? Follow the link and then let us know about your favorite color and what it says about you.

Tag!

The Flu is playing tag in our house. Currently it's my turn. Hubba Hubba spent the weekend in bad with it and that's not really any fun at all. We had gorgeous weather and he missed Sir Toots' soccer game. So, yea he was really sick. I woke this morning with the aches and chills. I've currently slept all day and now have that woozy head that accompanies the flu. The doc we went to this weekend for Hubba Hubba said that it's flying all over the city and he's seen about 40+ patients this weekend alone with the flu. Well, gripey....let's get it over with already. I thought I had escaped it's evil clutches, but alas, here it is.

The bummer is that I was really starting to feel really good. My other meds were beginning to work and I was up on some really good leads with work. Ah, a few days in bed never killled a career. :)

I would like to say that I appreciate the support and emails that I have received regarding my decision to go back on meds. My initial hesitation was due to my last treatment. I ended up a victim of the Black Box warning and spent 24 hours in a nutward on suicide watch because the reaction to my high dose was so bad. Fortunately I was able to lean on some really strong people and got the support I needed to make it through. The best treatment for my symptons (Anxiety attacks and depression) is serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SSNRI), which is what I was on previously. My current doc recommended a small dose and said that he would monitor me every 2-3 weeks.

I can't deny I need the help, I just want to make sure that Hubba Hubba has a wife and The Boys have a mother for a long time. But, I will admit that I want to feel sane while being here. So, meds it is. With a little Diet Coke, I should fine.

Political Post

Just a fair warning for my right leaning readers.....
I know that GWB is seen by some as the second coming and my, don't we all really like him because, he is after all, a christian?!?
I'm not slamming the person, I'm slamming the policies and the repurcussions of those policies that have entrenched us so deeply in another country that no one seems to know what we should do next. What kind of world our we building for our children?

Well, I would just like to request your perusal of the following site. This is a very important issue. It's a link to the National Religious Campaign Against Torture Which essentially just means that we as citizens have to request that our politicians step up to the plate and actually abide by the Constitution and The Geneva Convention.

Please add your name to this vital campaign. The world really does NOT need to see the USA involved in another Abu Ghraib. Our reputation as a leader in human rights has already been tarnished. It is time for the people of this country to show the world that we are NOT okay with the decisions being vetted out of the White House.

and if you are interested in some amazing commentary on the web I would like to recommend Andrew Sullivan's blog. He is an amazing voice sharing stories and thoughts that help us all realize that we must pay attention. We don't have to get on a bus and drive to Washington to burn bras, but we have to be informed. Because it's true, 'If you aren't mad then you aren't paying attention.'


_________________________
on a personal note, I have again started some kind of medication to assist me in balancing out my moods. This one appears to be working already. Sweet Center was quite exuberant with his hugs and kisses this morning. Evidently I am a much better and more patient mother on some sort of drug. After a bit of struggle and resistance to doing meds again, I have decided that I'm okay with it. If he keeps up the hugs, I'll do whatever it takes for however long it takes. :)
Besides, it kinda makes me feel feisty again.

balance

Sir Toots' fever broke yesterday early morning so he spent the day half on the couch and half in my office wanting to help me work. How do you explain that as cute as you are, it's probably not going to get me to the finish line any faster?

But, the dagger was truly thrown this morning. He was much better and no longer contagious so he really needed to get back to school. Friends, learning and all that important stuff. Plus, you know, Mama's gotta work. So, I'm' helping him get dressed in his uniform and he looks at me dead in the eye and says, " I hate school. It's too long." and then begins to cry. Now, this wouldn't be earth shattering news if I hadn't recently started to struggle with my mommy guilt over leaving him in daycare until around 5p everyday. I'm home and so I think I should be picking The Boys up around 3p. Only problem is that I really do have to work. And I can't talk on the phone if they are running around screaming. I tried it. Once. That was enough to convince that 5p really isn't that late. But then I get to thinking how that's like 9 hours. A super long time if your 4 and not feeling in tip top shape.

So, I promised I would pick him up early. No, not nap time early. But definitely before the usual time. Now, I just have to figure out how to get work done. :)

basketball, old dragons and fevers

The good news is that Sweet Center's team won their first game! Unfortunately Sir Toots and I had to leave at halftime so that I could get him to his soccer game (which they lost by a mind numbing score of 26-0 but fortunately it didn't matter because at this age it really is about having fun and they definitely had fun!) so we missed the big win. But we wrapped everything up and made it in time for the Championship Game! It was amazing! and so fun to see the boys play so hard. Ultimately they lost, but the progess they made this past season is truly phenomenal. Sweet Center had a blast and really didn't care that they lost, he was just excited that they made it to the final game! And really in the end, that's what matters. :)

So, The Boys have the greatest Auntie Zeus and they got Valentine's Day boxes. Sir Toots got a dragon book with knights and 3D pictures and everything! He's in heaven and really we haven't gone anywhere this past week without this big red book. So last night, Hubba Hubba and I were sleeping a pleasant sleep when I suddenly feel this immense heat and then get a really good corner of a book up my nose. The heat was coming off of Sir Toots in waves. 103 fever at 3am is not really a great way to start the week. We ran a bath and got him calmed down. Then plugged in the humidifier and turned off the lights. But, they had to go back on so that we could read about dragons one more time. How do you deny a kid when the sounds coming out of his mouth make you think that he traded voiceboxes with a frog in a dark alley and he really got the raw end of the deal? You don't. You read all about 3 and 4 headed dragons. Again. And then you laugh when you get to the picture of the really old dragon with wrinkly skin, hunched back and a unbelievable case of gout on his face.

At least that's what we do when Sir Toots gets a bad case of the flu.
Happy week to you!

Whirlwind!

This is it! The playoffs are today! And Sir Toots starts spring soccer! We havn't quite figured out how to be in two places at once yet. We keep hoping that the miracle of science will come through at the last minute and give us an ingenious way to clone ourselves so that we can be at a (very important) basketball game at 2p and then (the first of the season) soccer game at 3p on the other side of town.

If you hear of anything, please let us know. :)

Have a great day! The weather has finally warmed up around here and it's a gorgeous 60 outside.
Sorry, didn't mean to rub that in for those of you still buried under record amounts of snow.

Happy Valentine's Day!

okay, they really are serious

about this whole playoff basket ball thing. I received this email from the Head Coach of Sweet Center's basketball team today:
_____________________________
Below are a couple suggestions for the boys to make sure they are ready to play this weekend. Obviously its your call, but it would help the team if they were put into effect.

1. No sleepovers Friday night so they can get normal sleep
2. No carbonated drinks this week
3. Keep them hydrated with water leading up to the game - starting at least mid week
4. A big breakfast on Saturday morning with some good complex carbs and protein
____________________________

Yes, really. He's serious! and this is after the previous email I received from one of the Asst Coaches regarding the importance of washing their hands and staying germ free this week so that they can perform at their optimal level on Saturday. I'm not sure that we're up for this level of competitiveness. Yes, I love to watch them win, but really can we please keep it in perspective here? This is a team of 8 and 9 year olds! We're just as happy if they perform well, have fun, and then still end up losing. :)

Just like me....

only smaller and with a wee-wee.
Sweet Center is home today sick with what we currently believe is strep throat. Or as he calls it 'Stray Throat'- like the sucker just wandered into our house and planted itself onto his body. We shall know for sure this afternoon when we go see the pediatrician.

As for now, he's doing my two of my favorite things: laying on the couch and watching ESPN.

Later he says he wants to watch Star Wars, Episode III. I really can't take credit for that one. I lay the blame at the feet of Hubba Hubba regarding Star Wars. That's all his fault.

But the fact that the kid gets a kick out of watching the NFL skills challenge from the Pro Bowl Week in Hawaii? Yea, that one's all mine.


****Update****
No strep throat. Just a nasty cold that's giving him fits. I was worried about the Stray Throat thing invading our house. He's not a pleasant houseguest. :)

Click and Vote!!

Dream Vacation Contest

for my SILs photo! She has a chance at a dream vacation with this fabulous photo. It's a beautiful night by the water that you can only see in Wisconsin.

Go celebrate her Good Eye by clicking and voting!!

Wee-wees and Vajayjays

Sir Toots has finally realized that Mama is a girl and this means that I have different parts then he does.
Hubba Hubba bought me this great wrap to wear after the shower. It's especially helpful since the bathroom door can't seem to stay closed in the morning. It's like we all must get dressed in the exact same room! 3300+ sq feet in this house and The Boys have to be in our 12X10 bathroom every morning.

Yesterday when I squeezed into our room for a bit of privacy Sir Toots followed me. As I struggle to put on undies with my wrap on he leans over and scrunches up his face. The exact words out of his mouth were, "You don't have a wee-wee. What do you use?" Like I'm defective or something. Well, the only words I could get out were,"well, Mama has a vajayjay and so I don't need a wee-wee." This works for a bit and then he says," but how does that work for you?"

Well, heck. I know I'm supposed to use the real techincal term and so I sit down and tell him that Mama has a 'vagina' and that means I'm a girl. He's starting to understand but is still a little confused. As he looks at me his eyes wander down and the next question out of his mouth is,"What are those things? Daddy and I don't have circles like you."

Yes, ladies and gentleman, the child is turning into a regular Sherlock Holmes seeking out answers to the toughest questions. I add that my breasts (man, I so wanted to call 'em boobs!) are another thing that girls have that boys don't. and then quickly squirm away back into the bathroom.

Well, damn, he follows me....and asks what "those" are for. Hubba Hubba looks at me out of the corner of his eye while he quietly irons his shirt and waits for my answer. Did the man offer to assist? Did he step in and help me gain a little dignity? No, sir, he did not! He stood there with a gleam in his eye and michevious grin on his face waiting for the words of wisdom that I'm supposed to dish up while half dressed and barely awake. So I'm out here on my own with this one and so I tell Sir Toots that breasts are for feeding babies. This works until he wants to touch them. He reaches over and gives me a really good feeling-up! OOOhhhhh, now I'm totally so done with this conversation. I look at him and tell him, "Girls have vajayjays and boys have wee-wees. It's different parts for each but they do the same thing, like help us go potty."

Luckily this answer works for him. He steps away from me and picks up Baby Jaguar and starts to put on his underwear. He turns and looks at me. With his wee-wee hanging out he says, "Look at my boy wee-wee! Mama doesn't have one!" Evidently this makes him superior to girls.

Boy, do I have my work cut out for me.

The 24 hours that almost broke it all

4 years into this grand adventure I woke up and realized that I didn't really know the man sleeping next to me. Sure, he was still good looking and great at playing with Sweet Center, but we were friends who didn't talk anymore. I had no idea what projects he was working on that kept him at work until 8p and he had no idea I was going to all those lunch hour movies when I was supposed to be at work. It was a strange time for us, I knew that what we had wasn't an ideal marriage, but like most people who experience it, the void between us just happened. It appeared and slowly there was nothing there but lingering love and a wish for what we could be. What we had promised each other we would be.

So, that day I thought a change was in order. There was a fall festival at Sweet Center's preschool. Total family night and I thought it would be fun for us to all go together. Well, Hubba Hubba had other plans. I did some digging and find out that his plans involved video games with coworkers after hours. In the office, like the last several months. No projects, just fun and games with people who didn't have the same responsibilities that he did. Freedom is a nice thing at 24. I know because I was experiencing my own version through a few friends at work. My fun just happened during the day so Hubba Hubba didn't notice as much. Somehow in my mind his refusal to go the fall festival was a huge dissapointment. I didn't communicate to him the importance of the evening. I knew it was time for us to reconnect and have fun together. I just hadn't shared it with him because I was too busy gritchin' about it to other people.

When I picked Sweet Center up from preschool I saw all the decorations up for the festival and started to get really upset about the whole thing. From the moment we turned away from each other all the way right up to the current moment, I was just sick. What I really hadn't talked about with Hubba Hubba is that fact that I felt like I was doing all the work and really serving the role of solo parent. He was having his fun after hours when we were supposed to be a family and I was starting to simmer about it. I didn't consider that perhaps I had driven him to this by my inattention, all I knew is that I was really pissed. I certainly didn't consider that I was having the same fun, just during the day. In that moment all I thought was that I was the one picking up Sweet Center and I was the making his dinner and getting him ready for bed. Alone.

I packed a few things and loaded up Sweet Center to stay at my mother's house. I figured if I was going to go it alone, I should really be alone. Why have someone else around just for dissapointments sake? I was a modern women with a good job who was close to finishing my degree, I could handle this. Isn't that it's all about? Being able to make the tough decisions that work best for me and my child?

Hubba Hubba comes home just as I'm pulling out and wants to know what we're doing. So, I get out of the car, take Sweet Center inside and then tell him. and he's furious. Who the hell am I take his child away without telling him? Tell you? How can I tell you anything when you aren't here? Well, maybe if you'd pretend to care it wouldn't be like this. Hmmm, I thought caring meant actually be involved in someone's life.

You get the picture. Not pretty. So I went in and packed up Sweet Center again and we left for my mother's. On the drive over there I realized that the heated discussion forced us to say things that we hadn't communicated before and gave us the chance to really be heard. So after Sweet Center went to bed I called an old friend. The one friend who witnessed our entire relationship and understood the little quirks. He told me that he had talked to Hubaa Hubba and knew that I had left. And he just listened. and listened some more. He offered words of encouragement, the type that a man offers when he feels sucked into a vortex and isn't sure that he's going to get out. And then asked me to breakfast the next morning.

That night I held onto Sweet Center and listened to him breathe in his little boy sleep. I didn't want to raise him alone. I wanted the relationship Hubba Hubba and I had promised each other. I wanted Sweet Center to have a mom and dad who loved and communicated even when it was hard so that it would work. I wanted him to know that people give a little and receive a lot in return in this thing called happily ever after.

So I get to breakfast the next morning at 10 and talk some more. This fabulous friend just continued to listen. oh, and he stole a glance or two at his watch. and then I knew why. Hubba Hubba walked in at 10:30. He walked right over and sat down like he was supposed to be there. Our dear sweet friend lays down his money and walks out the door. So it was just us. Staring at each other. And then I started to cry.

I told him that I wasn't going to sacrifice in my marriage. I wanted to be with someone who listened and helped and was there when I needed him. I wanted to be that wife, the one that all the other guys wished they were married to who actually made her husband's life better. I didn't want to be a nag but I wasn't going to compromise. I knew it was tough and I knew the chances were pretty slim that we would actually enjoy being an old married couple, but dammit, we had promised each other. and we had promised again when Sweet Center was born. I wanted him to know that love was more than just a four letter thrown around on Valentine's Day. Hubba Hubba listened and reached his hand across the table. He slowly said the words that would change the entire direction of our marriage, "I want that too, but how do we do it?"

I knew that our road back wasn't going to be easy and we spent more than a fair share of money on a therapist so that we could learn to communicate but it has been worth it. All ten years have been worth it.

I can honestly say that I'm married to a wonderful man who stepped up to the plate when many men would have run the other way. and he held onto me when I wasn't worth holding onto. The tough decisions we make are what actually show who we are and what we want out of life. and marriage.



ever thine.
ever mine.
ever ours.

Matt and Rachel
February 8, 1997

true wuv

Exhange with Sir Toots:

Me: "I love you!"

Sir Toots: "No, I wuv you!"

"No, I love you!!"

"NO! I wuv you, wots!"

"No, I love YOU, lots!"

"No, I wuv you to hundred!"

"Really? A hundred? That's alot, honey!"

"Well, I wuv you to 40!"

Colts Win! and Sweet Center explores the WWW

YEA COLTS! Superbowl 41 was totally awesome! The Boys got their Colts shirts and were all revved up for the game. Man, it was fun!
Okay, now that that's out of the way....
I totally cannot get my mind around Sweet Center being on the internet. He has to do some homework and state test prep, so I get the need for school stuff. But he likes going to another site where there are other children his age. It's very cool and there are lots of things to do.....but, I worry about the freaks out there. Hubba Hubba and I talked to him about "the ugly on the inside people" and how they might ask him personal information. He knows not to share his name, location and other vital stats. I just struggle with those people who are out there for the sole purpose of talking to boys his age. It totally creeps me to think about some jerko getting his kicks talking to a 9 year old kid. I know we have to be vigilant and stay on top of where he's going and truthfully I would rather he be on my mac since it's wireless and he can sit at the kitchen table and I can see him.

When I was a kid (yea, that makes me sound OLD and it totally sounds all freaky mommish) we didn't have this worry. On top of everything else, there's this. We have parental controls in place and filters galore, but it was so much easier when his biggest concern was making sure he could find his scooter so I could watch him play with the neighborhood kids. Refferering over a favorite toy or a basketball game was SOO easy. I wish I had appreciated it more. Now, now, comes the hard part.

Snow!

The flakes were those big-melt-on-your-tongue-ones that were just begging to be played with:



Sweet Center is playing with this beachball to improve his mad basketball passing skillz!
And immediately after this picture was taken I took Sir Toots inside and put a scarf on him. I also wrestled him down so that I could zip up the very cool Harley (read: leather motorcycle) jacket.
No children were harmed in the making of this picture :)