A year ago today....

I was recovering from a horrendous over exposure to Paxil. Hmmm...I wonder what made that sweet NP think that I should be on the highest dose known to man? Could it have been my hysterical crying while wearing a paper napkin on that cold little bed? Well, I would have thought that a somewhat smaller dose would have been sufficient in dealing with the anxiety. I think that maybe telling her that I wanted to plant the front end of my car into a tree might have been the cherry on top that sealed the deal.

I have suffered from sort of anxiety/depression for years. Lovely Hubba Hubba is usually the one who holds me close and tells me that tomorrow will be a better day. Unfortunately that wasn't working this time. So I went to see the ever helpful practitioner.

I remember joking with Hubba Hubba when I got my RX filled that if I flipped out and went over the edge that we could thank the FDA for requiring the little black box on the packaging as a warning. It's the Surgeon General's Warning for crazy people.

Two weeks later I realized how desperately unhappy I was. Not like before though. Nothing at all like before. This was despair so severe that I didn't even want to think about pushing through to get better. I felt so empty. I just wanted to sit down and not move ever again. My support group was phenomenal. I remember talking with Mom, but I don't remember the conversation. I know she asked about The Boys and told me that I needed to go get them. The thought was that I would be safe if I kept them within arms reach. I couldn't bear seeing them or rather, having them see me like this. I did though. I had too. Because she was right. I knew looking at them that I couldn't do anything to myself while they were around. No matter the blackness, I had to hold on. She called Hubba Hubba and told him to GET HOME NOW. Then she put my sister on alert.

By 3am I had escalated and developed the most severe panic attack. I couldn't even bear to close my eyes. I kept thinking that if I did then I would lose The Boys. I couldn't leave them and so my solution was to just not sleep. or breathe. Rational thinking was not possible. Hubba Hubba held me tight and called my sister. She is the most amazing selfless person who just happens to be a truly phenomenal nurse. She drove me to the ER and explained to the doctor in words that buzzed by me that I wasn't well and that I needed help. I was admitted to what I now refer to as "The Nutward". There's a whole story there, but that's for another day.

Today, I celebrate making it through the blackness. I celebrate my family for being there for me when I couldn't take care of myself. And I thank my mother- in- law for the wonderful assortment of nuts to celebrate my homecoming. :)
I am reminded that nothing is beyond Hope. Today, one year later, I hold my boys extra tight and kiss their heads and silently thank them for giving me a reason to get up and move when I didn't feel I could.