Toxic

Driving in the car today I heard the Britney song "Toxic" (yes, dear Internet, this means I need new music, I know this!) and I got to thinking about people in our lives that are toxic. Like the mom who recently shamed Sweet Center and others like her who feel the need to impose their negative outlook on our lives.

Because I love Google, I went straight to the source to ferret out solutions for dealing with toxic people and landed at so many sites that have various suggestions and solutions for dealing with these people that I just gave up trying to capture a picture or definition of this particular type of person. I figure that I know it when I see and experience it. And Hubba Hubba is really good at laying down the boundaries and saying NO when somebody is out of whack. He's really good at this, in fact. And he doesn't have the girly hang ups that I do. I worry that someone will get mad at me and how I will interact with them. He looks at me with that totally impatient look he only pulls out when I'm being an ass and says,"They're gonna be mad at you anyway, why let them control you?"

If you know me at all then you know I work to overcome my "foot in mouth syndrome" on a daily basis. This is the ability I have perfected to just spurt out whatever comes to mind. As I've gotten older I have really learned to question my motives for just saying whatever. I'm learning and getting better at reining myself in. Usually. Unfortunately I still have the tendency and it's hard to overcome sometimes. Like the other day, I felt it necessary to stand up for my sister. Well, yes she is a grown woman, and yes she is the oldest, but she's so darn nice that she doesn't always get what she wants because she's worried about hurting someone's feelings. I shoot first and then think about the other person. Does this make me a toxic person? I desperately hope not. And I know that this is in direct conflict with my fear that people will get mad at me. But, I'm beginning to think that maybe it isn't at all. Perhaps my fear of others anger is a result of opening my mouth for so many years and the fallout that inevitably resulted.

But, I'm learning. I'm learning about myself and learning that my past behaviors can't control today. And, as Hubba Hubba would asks why should it control me?

Why indeed?